The semester is finally over. It has not been my best semester. My brain felt a step behind every reading. And I was not as enthusiastic as I was the first year. Not sure why...actually the old passion I had as an undergrad is gone. I am not sure if that passion was really healthy anyway. My whole life revolved around school, fantasies of the intellectual life, etc. I was in love with being a student. There was a sense that the stuff we were working on was the most important stuff in the world. I definitely don't feel like that anymore.
I still love to learn but I feel vaguely uncomfortable about this lifestyle. It feels so hedonistic. I am going to graduate school because I love to learn. I love to read theory, etc. But deep down I know that teaching at Midwood was definitely doing better things for the world. And really the most important thing in my world are my children. All these things have combined to create a rather ambiguous fog in which I moved about this semester.
There were days when I really longed to be able to just be with my kids without worrying about the next paper or reading. And I got major house envy a few times. I started to really want my own home with a backyard...a minivan...hell, the whole suburban package. Of course I came to my senses quickly, and knew deep inside that I'd be bored with that lifestyle. But there is a part of me that longs to be able to want to like those things. It seems like life might be less complicated which is probably not true.
Sometimes, I think this all comes from hanging out mostly with moms who do stay at home. They do have their problems, and I acknowledge that but I often feel like the odd mom out. My life consists of two different worlds. One in which I am a homeschooling mom, and the other in which I am a graduate student. It's not easy to reconcile these two lives; in fact I am not sure if they are reconcilable.