Alright you've been warned. If you don't like self-piting whining then just skip this post.
Three weeks into the semester and my to do list remains just that a to do list. I have a ton of things needing to be done. Like MY THESIS. Oh, and Ph.D applications. Nothing too major. Ha. And I keep doing these half ass things that normally get me going but this time the tricks are not working. I need to write a statement of purpose. I need to write a thesis proposal. But for some reason I feel amazingly ambigious about these projects. These projects that all have a rapidly approaching due date.
I realized today I just feel really insecure about everything. I am afraid to start writing because I've decided that my writing is childlish, well not childish, but just...I don't know...not intellectual enough? I don't use enough big words. My sentences are not complicated, etc, etc. I keep thinking "Whoever reads my statement of purpose is going to think I'm idoit." And then I start worrying about actually getting accepted. Will my pronunciation issues earn me the scorn of my fellow students? Argh, crippled by insecurity.
Mostly I just feel not enough to do a Ph.D program. It's a horrible feeling. I need to stop listening to Morrisey.
"There's a club if you'd like to go
You could meet someone who really loves you
So you go and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home and you cry
And you want to die"
My insecurity used to lie in being alone in bed. Now it lies in being alone in my intellectual world.