Monday...was despondent. Or should I say Monday found me despondent. Mondays are usually like this anyway, right? I don't know why but I just felt weary of school. There are times when I feel like all the hoop jumping might not be worth it. As I said to a friend that day "Why do we have to do what we hate to do what we love?" And that really sums up my feelings when I got back yet another critique of my thesis proposal. I just felt so done with it. It had been helpful at first but had reached the point where it was no longer helpful. It was just busy work I had to do in order to please other people.
I came home rather down. IMed with a friend, well, I bitched and moaned to a friend over IM. H came back from his study time, and pep talked me. Normally this would really piss me off. Monday, however, it worked. I went into school today, finished the 8th draft of my thesis proposal and the eighth draft of my SOP. My advisor had told me on Tuesday that the SOP was getting really good. And this afternoon I got back the thesis proposal draft with the comment "VERY good, and very concise. I think you're done." Hurrah.
Piper also cheered me up last night. We had a few minute of Piper craziness. She ran from the bedroom to the living room while we were getting ready for bed. I followed her to find her doing some kind of odd walk. She had her legs spread and was taking these big steps rather like a sumo wrestler. It was so random.
I laughed for a bit, and felt better.
My dreams have been very intense lately, and unsettling. There are emotions in them that I'd rather not think about right now. I wake feeling this intense longing. It makes me sad as if I can't be fully content with my life. Why is there always that desire for more? It bothers me when I have so much already. And I'm not even sure if I can put a name to that which I long for. I suspect that what I long for in my dreams is something that I would not want if I were to grasp it. I know this makes no sense but it's not something I fully want to disclose, nor something that I can fully articulate. Sometimes my life just gets complicated in unexpected, and unwelcome ways.
But mostly I'm happy. My thesis is ready to be written. The books are read, the notes taken, the proposal nearly complete. My kids are joyful (most of the time) and funny. My husband is beautiful, smart, funny, and kind. I am not forgetful of my blessings.