Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Ursula often wondered what else she waited for, besides the beginning and end of the school week, and the beginning and end of the holidays. This was a whole life! Sometimes she had periods of tight horror, when it seemed to her that her life would pass away and be gone, without having been more than this. But she never really accepted it. Her spirit was active, her life like a shoot that is growing steadily, but which has not yet come above ground"(D. H. Lawrence, Women In Love)

I remember having moments of panics when I was in my early twenties. Suddenly, I feel this intense fear that I would die, and that this is all my life would have been. It seemed that I had nothing to show for the few years I had been on the earth. It was such a crushing feeling that I'd lay on my bed and not be able to move for a bit. So much, too much, of my younger years were spent in longing and waiting. Always waiting for love, for excitment, for hate, for passion...always something that I didn't have. And then when I had those things I'd always feel like I was waiting for them to end. I could never enjoy them because of this tight feeling that it would all soon end. It was a physical feeling too not just somethign I thought about. My chest would tightend, it felt like my ribcage was pushing in on my lungs, and I couldn't breath. And as this tightening imprisoned me, my limbs would feel get heavy, so heavy that each movement was exhausting.


John B-R said...

...Bred to a harder thing
Than Triumph, turn away
And like a laughing string
Whereon mad fingers play
Amid a place of stone,
Be secret and exult,
Because of all things known
That is most difficult.

Imperfect said...

i get that feeling sometimes..the pain in my ribcage.. it comes when i think of something that i just cannot bear, like being alone or dying. i guess because we are young, we feel like there is more to life and we cannot bear the fact that we could die and never fulfill all we wanted to