Randomness from Ginger's Saturday morning:
1. Why the hell am I up? I'm exhausted. I can FEEL the bags under my eyes. I laid awake last night for something like two hours. When I did sleep, it was a strange sleep that felt like being awake but because of the dreams I knew I was sleeping. All in all just not a restful night.
2. As if I needed something else to feel guilty about....now I feel guitly about losing weight. Sigh. Am I betraying my feminist self? Is this weight loss really all about self loathing? Should I just eat my fucking head off, and chalk it up to my principles? Hell, there is a part of me that would love to say "Fuck it" and go eat an entire big bag of Hershey kisses (the cherry coridal kind...god yum). But there is that part deep in me that says "You know that it's an excuse to eat until you barf." And I don't want to do that to myself to anymore. I abused my body for a long time...I abused it with food. But again...sigh.
3. I've kind of decided I'm done my SOP. I have heard nothing from said adviser who I know has some intense weekend plans. This means that I will not be seeing my SOP until next Wednesday. I need to get this stuff sent out, adn by next Wednesday I will be knee deep in TAing duties, and editing a Foucault paper. Plus I just feel that it's as good as it can get.
4. Not feeling as restless, or uncontent as I was a few days ago. I just need to accept the feelings I was having and move on. I'm moving on....
5. Had my monthly reading group yesterday. It was ok. Sometimes I'm not sure why the hell we're meeting so it's hard to critque who we read. There seems to be this kind of "Well this isn't the revolution I want" Mentality, as well as critques about academics not doing anything in general. Do acadmeics really do ANYTHING? I mean, we sit and write papers taht noone reads. And the prof. who seems the most upset by this is the one who really seems to think we can maintian soem kind of dsitance or neturality. All in all it was a fustrating session. I really think the group misread the reading, but no one was listening to me, and I didn't feel really capable of aruging why I thought this. On a nice for the body image level, the older phil/rel. prof who came actually chekced me out and not hte skinny TA who everyone else checks out;P I'd like to think it was my mind but I think it was my boobs. Ahh..well, he did listen to me, asked me good questions, and tried to talk me into taking his class.