Saturday, December 01, 2007

Saturday Morning Musing

Randomness from Ginger's Saturday morning:

1. Why the hell am I up? I'm exhausted. I can FEEL the bags under my eyes. I laid awake last night for something like two hours. When I did sleep, it was a strange sleep that felt like being awake but because of the dreams I knew I was sleeping. All in all just not a restful night.

2. As if I needed something else to feel guilty I feel guitly about losing weight. Sigh. Am I betraying my feminist self? Is this weight loss really all about self loathing? Should I just eat my fucking head off, and chalk it up to my principles? Hell, there is a part of me that would love to say "Fuck it" and go eat an entire big bag of Hershey kisses (the cherry coridal kind...god yum). But there is that part deep in me that says "You know that it's an excuse to eat until you barf." And I don't want to do that to myself to anymore. I abused my body for a long time...I abused it with food. But again...sigh.

3. I've kind of decided I'm done my SOP. I have heard nothing from said adviser who I know has some intense weekend plans. This means that I will not be seeing my SOP until next Wednesday. I need to get this stuff sent out, adn by next Wednesday I will be knee deep in TAing duties, and editing a Foucault paper. Plus I just feel that it's as good as it can get.

4. Not feeling as restless, or uncontent as I was a few days ago. I just need to accept the feelings I was having and move on. I'm moving on....

5. Had my monthly reading group yesterday. It was ok. Sometimes I'm not sure why the hell we're meeting so it's hard to critque who we read. There seems to be this kind of "Well this isn't the revolution I want" Mentality, as well as critques about academics not doing anything in general. Do acadmeics really do ANYTHING? I mean, we sit and write papers taht noone reads. And the prof. who seems the most upset by this is the one who really seems to think we can maintian soem kind of dsitance or neturality. All in all it was a fustrating session. I really think the group misread the reading, but no one was listening to me, and I didn't feel really capable of aruging why I thought this. On a nice for the body image level, the older phil/rel. prof who came actually chekced me out and not hte skinny TA who everyone else checks out;P I'd like to think it was my mind but I think it was my boobs. Ahh..well, he did listen to me, asked me good questions, and tried to talk me into taking his class.


Lolabola said...

am slowly coming to believe that betraying my feminist self is not the same thing as loving my body and self-image, and that self loathing due to body issues is not really about feminism at all. (no matter how much magazine images + misdirected judgments about feminism try to convince me). the issue is all confused. Now I'm starting to believe that feeling guilty about any of these things by thinking I'm betraying my feminist self is actually in itself and act of betraying my feminist self. I actually argued with myself about it in the elevator last night.

Ginger said...

I have so much to say on this I should do a seperate post. I do think body image is a feminist issue because I think women's bodies have been objectified, demonized, etc through the centuries. It hasn't always been even remotely inour hands how our bodies get to be defined...but I do have to agree that loving or not loving is not necessairly about betraying. I think you're right on I said I'll have to write more! We can start an online dialouge! As if we haven't already right?

Ros said...

Trying to look like Angelina Jolie or an Olsen twin is clearly not feminist. But how can caring for your body and making it stronger & healthier NOT be feminist? OK, so some of your weight loss was about submitting to the dominant paradigm :-) -- but some was about being healthier & stronger & more available for your kids. Empowering your body, right?