Monday, December 03, 2007

Sinking

Now closed in by a chilly night, with the sounds of the dishwasher and the Christmas cartoon on the TV, I am sinking. I do not know what I am sinking into but it feels like darkness. Not the warm comforting darkness of a clear night sky but a cold black hole. It's a darkness I know. A darkness I used to be intimate with.


But only now have I recognized it. I thought maybe I was pregnant (horrors). When that wasn't the case, I thought stress. But despite everything the stress isn't unmanagble this time around. Yet I walk around in tears all the time. I can't sleep. Food is totally uninteresting to the point where I don't want it or I want to just inhale everything in sight. I walked around feeling so disconnected from everything around me. Every move felt like I struggled against a heavy blanket to accomplish.


Then sitting here, I realized..."It's depression." Shit I haven't been depressed like this in a long, long time. I think the last time was post-partum with Camille. It's a scary feeling. But for me being able to look the darkness in the eye, embrace it, helps me in learning to live with it. And yes I will live with it. No drugs. Those who know me know this. Perhaps it's time to write these dark fantasies out.

7 comments:

John B-R said...

If a depressed person would like a hug, hugs from California. And a little story: my son-in-law is finishing up his comps (PhD program, PoliSci). He's totally covered in hives. Not that I think your depression is simple and monocausal. Just don't forget the stress you're under.

Ginger said...

Hugs are always welcomed. I'm huggie no matter what mood I'm:) I so know it's stress related as well as related to the future unknown at this point, etc, etc.

It's just hit me so dark...I think the last time this happened this dark I was something like 27. Wow almost ten years...this one ought to be a doozy.

Lolabola said...

*hugs*

does your depression come with guilt about depression? My recent bout has, I just told it to f*&k off (the guilt that is) and I feel much better already.

Ros said...

Well SHIT. You know I'm going through it myself for the first time since I was 25. I know nothing I can say will help, so major hugs & empathy. See you on the other side when the world gets bright again.

Ginger said...

You guys are great. Thanks Lola for reminding me to not beat up on myself. I was starting to get in that guilt trip "Why should I feel depressed...I have great kids, a great husband, I love school..." Sigh. But after your post, I said "F@#k off" to the guilt.

Horacio said...

"You are depressed
but you're remarkably dressed"
or something like that...

all the hugs in the world, virtual and real.

Lolabola said...

yay!
also you should eat a really good chocolate. consider it a gift from me.

just one though, I'm really cheap