Now closed in by a chilly night, with the sounds of the dishwasher and the Christmas cartoon on the TV, I am sinking. I do not know what I am sinking into but it feels like darkness. Not the warm comforting darkness of a clear night sky but a cold black hole. It's a darkness I know. A darkness I used to be intimate with.
But only now have I recognized it. I thought maybe I was pregnant (horrors). When that wasn't the case, I thought stress. But despite everything the stress isn't unmanagble this time around. Yet I walk around in tears all the time. I can't sleep. Food is totally uninteresting to the point where I don't want it or I want to just inhale everything in sight. I walked around feeling so disconnected from everything around me. Every move felt like I struggled against a heavy blanket to accomplish.
Then sitting here, I realized..."It's depression." Shit I haven't been depressed like this in a long, long time. I think the last time was post-partum with Camille. It's a scary feeling. But for me being able to look the darkness in the eye, embrace it, helps me in learning to live with it. And yes I will live with it. No drugs. Those who know me know this. Perhaps it's time to write these dark fantasies out.