I went to the WW meeting.
All was good at first. I really do like my leader. She's reasonable. I like the women who go to the meeting with me. They understand me. They understand that one person can eat an entire chocolate cake...in one sitting. There is something nice about being with people who get this. It really is like an AA meeting or something. Hi I'm Ginger, I can eat whole cakes in a single bound. And everyone kind of nods in understanding. It's safe and comforting. It's one of the few places where my eating habits don't make me feel like a freak.
But, remember there's always a but, there is a nine year old at the meeting. A FUCKING NINE YEAR OLD. She's chubby yeah but shit does she need to diet? I mean is there anothr way to teach a child to eat properly? Hell I guess if WW is at it proclaims not a diet...I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I go. I know it's a diet. On other hand, it has helped me to eat better. To make better choices. But isn't there some other way for a nine year old? And what's sick is that she can't be there without a Dr.'s note.
Where I am today: Okay I am not fat. I know that. I realized today that I don't think I'm fat. I can look in the mirror 90% of the time at this point, and feel pretty good about how I look. I always can see where I lose some more weight but it's not like it's unbearable to see myself naked. And yeah this isn't all the time. There are times when I feel like I'm fat. I have those days.
What's making me neurotic is the fear that I'm going to be fat again. I realized today that as I was sitting in my car that what terrifies me is the thought I'm going to lose control and wake up 196lbs again. But underneath all this is that if that happened I would be gross. And it really bugs me that I think this. I mean, I don't think overweight or obese people are gross. But if it happened to me I'd feel this way. I admit it. What kind of way is this to live life. It bothers me a great deal to think that my life could be spent with this fear. But today I feel more hopeful. It feels good to know what I fear. It feels good to day "I am not fat." And it feels good to be working towards thinking "Hell even if I'm fat, it's okay."
Funny that on this cold, gray Saturday...with a sad friend who's marriage seems to be ending...I have managed to find a tiny piece of hope