Saturday, December 15, 2007

So Today Is Saturday

I went to the WW meeting.

All was good at first. I really do like my leader. She's reasonable. I like the women who go to the meeting with me. They understand me. They understand that one person can eat an entire chocolate one sitting. There is something nice about being with people who get this. It really is like an AA meeting or something. Hi I'm Ginger, I can eat whole cakes in a single bound. And everyone kind of nods in understanding. It's safe and comforting. It's one of the few places where my eating habits don't make me feel like a freak.

But, remember there's always a but, there is a nine year old at the meeting. A FUCKING NINE YEAR OLD. She's chubby yeah but shit does she need to diet? I mean is there anothr way to teach a child to eat properly? Hell I guess if WW is at it proclaims not a diet...I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I go. I know it's a diet. On other hand, it has helped me to eat better. To make better choices. But isn't there some other way for a nine year old? And what's sick is that she can't be there without a Dr.'s note.

Where I am today: Okay I am not fat. I know that. I realized today that I don't think I'm fat. I can look in the mirror 90% of the time at this point, and feel pretty good about how I look. I always can see where I lose some more weight but it's not like it's unbearable to see myself naked. And yeah this isn't all the time. There are times when I feel like I'm fat. I have those days.

What's making me neurotic is the fear that I'm going to be fat again. I realized today that as I was sitting in my car that what terrifies me is the thought I'm going to lose control and wake up 196lbs again. But underneath all this is that if that happened I would be gross. And it really bugs me that I think this. I mean, I don't think overweight or obese people are gross. But if it happened to me I'd feel this way. I admit it. What kind of way is this to live life. It bothers me a great deal to think that my life could be spent with this fear. But today I feel more hopeful. It feels good to know what I fear. It feels good to day "I am not fat." And it feels good to be working towards thinking "Hell even if I'm fat, it's okay."

Funny that on this cold, gray Saturday...with a sad friend who's marriage seems to be ending...I have managed to find a tiny piece of hope


Fat Lady said...

I'm so happy that ww has become a safe, supportive place for you. I think just having people who understand you can do so much towards achieving any goal.

That's sad, though, about the 9 year old. I think the thing that makes it sad is that WW is a place to me where people go who need help and support to overcome a lifetime of bad eating habits, and to maybe get the support they need to face the emotional issues they have around eating.

At 9 years old a child shouldn't need that. I hate being judgmental, but I can't help but question whether her parents really just aren't willing to do their jobs. Because support and encouragement and learning good habits should be something you learn at home at that age. I can only guess that there must be some seriously extreme family circumstances that make her need to get the things she needs from WW rather than her family.

I know that fear of regaining the weight. I've been there - and sadly, for me, it was a well-founded fear because I am fat again. But, on the other hand, there were some extreme circumstances that started the cycle of gaining again for me. And I think without them I wouldn't have ever gained it back.

A couple of things - One I think that your fear of regaining may have more to do with fear of failing once you've succeeded rather than a fear of being fat. You set a goal and you reached it and I think that is amazing and something SO many people have a hard time doing. And I think it's natural, once you've reached the goal to worry that you'll backslide and have to reach the goal again.

I say this, because I think you can let go of any guilt you may feel about not wanting to be fat. It's ok for you to like yourself at this size and want to stay here. It's more than ok, it's healthy and good to have made a decision about what size you feel works for you and to be happy with it.

And yes, I think it is good to decided that you love yourself no matter what size you are. I actually think that helps keep weight off, because when you love yourself, you want to treat yourself well, and if you're taking care of yourself by eating well and exercising then you're likely to stay at a size you feel comfortable at.

Second, I've seen pictures of you in the last few months and you are definitely not fat. Not even a little bit.

And that's an adjustment. To go from thinking of yourself as fat, to knowing you're not is a mental shift that takes some time. Some part of you wants to continue to think of yourself as fat. Like you're a fat person trapped in a thin body. And I think that, too, can lead to the fear of gaining weight. Maybe some part of you fears that the fat person will break free and take control of your body again. Or maybe I'm just projecting my multiple personalities on you.

I know that's pretty much how I felt when I lost a lot of weight. And I felt similarly when I quit smoking. It took years for me to stop thinking of myself as a smoker. In fact, I'm not 100% sure I don't still think of myself as one even though I think I've only had about 5 cigarettes in the last 9 years.

But, I think it's quite easy for habits or conditions to become a part of our identities and then when we change the conditions or give up the habits it takes a long time to change our perceptions of who we are.

All of that to say, give yourself some time.

John B-R said...

"I have managed to find a tiny piece of hope." Hope comes in tiny pieces ... I'm glad, very glad.