I'm in a very strange place in regards to my weight. I made my goal. I feel much better without the extra weight. But....there's always the but isn't there? This week I binged liked crazy. I ate tons of candy, and way too much chocolate cake. But it was a small binge compared to some of my past binges. And there wasn't as much guilt upon waking up. However, there was some unfortunate incidents that came a little too close to bulimia for my tastes.
And then the other day, I was dressing Piper and calling her my fat baby. I love her baby fat. But she looked at me for the first time and said "Don't call me that." "Don't call you what?" I asked her, thinking she meant "baby." "Fat." She answered. And I really almost broke down in tears. What the hell am I passing onto my daughters? Obviously, I was not as careful as I wanted to be about calling myself fat in front of them. I was really angry with myself. I don't want them to ever feel like fat is some kind of defining value in their lives. I don't want them to go through the intense self-hatred I feel towards my own body. And yet there was my beautiful, sweet, chunky little girl telling me to not call her fat.
I realized that even if I don't say anything, they are surrounded by my food obsessions. There are the WW books where I record everything I eat. They know I go to meetings every Saturday morning. They watch me calculate points for every bit of food I put in my mouth. I found myself thinking today at supper, "What am I teaching them?" "What do I want to teach them about food?"
Couple this with a horrible article I read in "People" (okay I soo don't read it but it had an article on Joe Olstein and since I am interested in prosperity gospel, I had to look). Some absurdly thin actress was saying her new thin look was due to monotony: "When you eat only to sustain your body, you don't see food as anything else." Argh. I mean, I love food. I love the pleasure of good food. I love the taste of spicy dal and crisp samosas. I love Godiva chocolate cheesecake. I love preparing vegetables and sauces. Food is about pleasure for me. But there is also this other side where food is about addiction, and trying to drown out uncomfortable emotions. But food as only sustaince? Is this where I really want to go? I think no.
What I want for myself is to have a relationship with food that is based on pleasure not desire. Desire seems to me that elusive thing you can never have. For me food has become that thing. If I binge food is the enemy. That love that you desire but hate at the same time. When I diet food is still the enemy. The things I want but that I feel I can not have.
What's made me realize how problematic WW is becoming for me is when I started craving a hamburger this week. I mean, I wanted red meat so bad my mouth watered. But I started thinking about why I became a vegetarian. I thought about all the political reasons why this important to me. And the craving went away. But this week I was also craving some Chinese vegetable fried rice. I denied myself this because I thought of it as a "bad" food. Then today, I am thinking, "Why? Why would it be bad for you to eat some rice?" This craving didn't go away and still hasn't.
I'm not sure where this leaves me. I know that WW did get me to this place where my body feels very good. I still think I'm ugly. And I knew as I did WW that being thin was not going to make me love myself anymore. I've been thin before and it's never helped with the loathing. But on the other hand, I really hate that WW works off feeding into often unfounded fears about weight, and from the obsession of American women to be thin. I looked at my meeting on Saturday and was astonished at the women who were just joining. They were all thin. And then there was this 15 year old girl there, and it really broke my heart. I love my leader, and I have become friends with many of the women who go but I don't know if I can do this anymore. And I'm afraid of what I'll do without it. Something is going to have to give.
Ideally, I would get concealing since it's pretty apparent that I am really fucked up. But I don't think I can afford this. I keep thinking about how when we lived in Mexico I lost a ton of weight without dieting. I ate really good (Juanita made the best rice on the planet). We went to the bakery by H's parent's house almost every night. But I walked everywhere. I started running. And I didn't much processed foods (way expensive in Mexico). And I also lost weight when I was following Dr. Weil's Optimum Health plan. I realized that a lot of it was about conscious eating. I ate what I wanted but I thought about what I ate. Mostly I just took a lot of pleasure in eating healthy well prepared food. But I admit that there is a part of me that is scared that I can't maintain that without WW.
What do I want for my daughters? Not that they are thin. They will be beautiful no matter what weight they are. I want them to feel pleasure with food. I want them to enjoy food period. I don't want them to turn to food for stress or as a drug. But I also want them to see food as more than just sustenance. How can I give my girls these things when I am having a hard time doing it for myself?