And if the lights were out
Could you even bear
To kiss her full on the mouth
(or anywhere ?) Morrissey, November Spawned a Monster
When she was about 25, one of her closest male friends told her "You're fairly hot, it's just your personality that sucks." And shortly after that another one said "Whenever you flirt with someone it's not clear if you're serious or if you're mocking them. You're a real ice queen." The monster, she decided, was inside. But the inside is never so inside. In fact, she began to disbelieve that there was even a clear boundary between the inside and the outside. The monster showed itself in both places. No, it was more that the monster was her, all of her. It showed her that there was no boundary. What she always thought of her inside: her intelligence, her skepticism...it was all impressed upon her body as clearly as her wide nose, her high check bones, her eyes....maybe especially her eyes.
As she grew older, she got to know her monster. Of course, the monster was herself but she still slipped into thinking of it as something other as if there was someone nicer, prettier, more normal tucked away into her body. But she knew that her monster did not hide anything at all. But she also knew that her monster's sin was the sin of freakishness. She/the monster lived life with a critical eye. She/the monster questioned everything, took nothing at face value, and had a hard time faking anything. She/the monster were totally abnormal even amongst the most deviant groups. She/the monster did everything with more passion, more intensity, and when she/the monster crashed they burned harder than almost everyone else.
What people rejected was not so simple to pinpoint. She knew she was not physically ugly and she knew that her personality was not so horrible. But she also knew that she frightened people. Her simple unwillingness to play the game, to look a certain way, to back down on her opinions, to not not avoid arguments. All this made her an extremely uncomfortable person to be around. And the thought of intimacy with her scared the shit out of nearly everyone she met. Her love life was a story of intense one night stands, painful love affairs that fizzled out due to an early expenditure of energy, or (just once) a plain boring attempts at a normalcy. And even these encounters were few. After the one sad attempt, she grew to accept that she was not willing to put her monster to sleep for companionship.