Friday, February 01, 2008

Ginger's Shitty Week

There's no sugar coating this week. It pretty much sucked all around.

Basically I had way too much to do, and none of it involved doing what I needed to do. This week I: cat sat three cats, taught two classes on subjects I knew nothing about, drove back and forth from campus to help H(who had an emergency root canal this week), drove to campus for a kid exchange so I could meet the a canidate for our theories and methods position, and then today...

Well today was pretty much the worst. I discovered at a presentation of a MA thesis that the person presenting had been accepted to Chapel Hill. And that another women who used to teach at our school was also accepted. This means, that had I been accepted I would have been informed. I had to sit through this guy's presentation, and then had to sit afterward while everyone congraulated him on getting into the school I didn't, and SMILE through it all. I haven't cried yet. I thought I would cry in the car but I didn't.

And I know that this is likely for the best. The person I want to study with at Chapel Hill is leaving. I also realized that my area is really litearture and theory which is not what I billed myself as, and that it what I should be billing myself as. I know there are better schools to apply to (Duke and U of Toronto for instance). But the bottom line is that I got rejected. And I KNOW all the crap about it's normal, and how hard it is blah, blah. But what it really comes down to is that for whatever reason, I wasn't good enough. And that stings. It stings enough to make it really hard to imagine trying to sell myself again.

This kind of rejection before going into my thesis is difficult. Right now I just feel pretty inaccuarate for anything. The confidence I felt at the beginning of the week about getting this thesis done is not totally gone. I feel very "not good enough" right now on so many levels.

9 comments:

MTP said...

Ginger, I'm so sorry you've had a bad week! I'm sorry you had to hear about Chapel Hill that way. Something to keep in mind is that, in my experience, schools make several rounds of offers, and there is still a chance an offer will be made. Either way, you should definitely not give up on yourself. All told, I had to apply to grad school four times before I got in to a decent school. I know exactly how it feels to not get in--nothing sucks quite that much. But it's not the end. If you have to apply next year, I'm certain your applications and supporting materials will be that much better, and you will find success. Good luck on your thesis, I know it will be hard, but you can can do it. Matt

Jennifer L. said...

Wow--hang in there Ginger. I believe strongly that things happen for a reason. Hope that reason presents itself to you soon.

Jon said...

Ow. That sounds pretty awful. Do hang on in there for the minute though - the fact that you've heard nothing does mean they haven't rejected you outright either, and might offer a place later.

It does make writing a pain though, cuz it's so hard to write when you feel down. I know it's hard to do it, but sometimes it's worth taking a break for a day or two and just doing something else (ideally something fun, but just anything to ignore work). I find if I do that then I can go back to it and feel better about what needs doing, about writing new stuff, etc.

Hopefully things will work out soon. Good luck with it.

Ros said...

I'ma be the pessimistic and pragmatic bitch here. It freaking sucks that you didn't get in. And of course you hear it as "you're not good enough", even though it's just as much saying "you're not a good match for our program, you won't be a good research flunky for our profs cause of your interests". It's a gut punch, no way around it. Take a few days to feel the pain. Go jogging to run away from it all. In the end, you're a strong-ass woman and you'll end up where you want to be.

Erica said...

Sending you a big hug. It sucks!

But just wanted to say that not everything you write sounds like shit. At least not what you write in your blog which is what I get to read. You have a way with words. I love the "Tending" post and also the post about Christmas Ghosts, even though I didn't leave comments there.

Still, I know the "I'm not good enough" feeling. It's difficult to get rid of it sometimes. So I agree with Ros, go run!

Ginger said...

Thanks all...today is much better. And Matt's right...there is a possibility but you know what? I don't want to be there anyway! I knew that earlier this month, and really not getting in right off, made it easier to say "Okay next move."

neverneutral said...

Hey, I'm sorry to hear this. But have you got the letter already? I know the feeling exactly. I was rejected from 4 graduate schools in the US, and of two I never got an actual letter back, until I heard that everyone was celebrating I broke the rules and emailed people, who after a while were like, "um, yeah, basically if you haven't heard from us by now it means you didn't make it in". And those were Ivy Leagues.

But until you hear from them directly...

Adela said...

Hey Ginger, I know it sucks. I'm not going to say it doesn't. But you are not right about thinking you did not get in because you're not "good enough." I've been part of committees, I've read statements of purpose, and I've seen who gets picked. Frankly, it has nothing to do with how good you are in your field, but how good you are at writing statements of purpose and at selling yourself. It's gross. I know. But that's how it works. If you didn't do this before, make sure to ask people in your field to read the statement before sending it out... it really makes a difference. FORZA!

Ginger said...
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