There's no sugar coating this week. It pretty much sucked all around.
Basically I had way too much to do, and none of it involved doing what I needed to do. This week I: cat sat three cats, taught two classes on subjects I knew nothing about, drove back and forth from campus to help H(who had an emergency root canal this week), drove to campus for a kid exchange so I could meet the a canidate for our theories and methods position, and then today...
Well today was pretty much the worst. I discovered at a presentation of a MA thesis that the person presenting had been accepted to Chapel Hill. And that another women who used to teach at our school was also accepted. This means, that had I been accepted I would have been informed. I had to sit through this guy's presentation, and then had to sit afterward while everyone congraulated him on getting into the school I didn't, and SMILE through it all. I haven't cried yet. I thought I would cry in the car but I didn't.
And I know that this is likely for the best. The person I want to study with at Chapel Hill is leaving. I also realized that my area is really litearture and theory which is not what I billed myself as, and that it what I should be billing myself as. I know there are better schools to apply to (Duke and U of Toronto for instance). But the bottom line is that I got rejected. And I KNOW all the crap about it's normal, and how hard it is blah, blah. But what it really comes down to is that for whatever reason, I wasn't good enough. And that stings. It stings enough to make it really hard to imagine trying to sell myself again.
This kind of rejection before going into my thesis is difficult. Right now I just feel pretty inaccuarate for anything. The confidence I felt at the beginning of the week about getting this thesis done is not totally gone. I feel very "not good enough" right now on so many levels.