Saturday, February 16, 2008

I Have to Agree...

With my friend MTP, February sucks. At least this February does. My thesis is not coming. I am so over come with panic that when I sit down, I am shaking. I can't write. I feel like a deer frozen in headlights. And then I got this freakin' psychotic series of emails from my advisor. The first one basically tells me I suck, and that if I want her to help me I better never send such a sloppy draft again. This is followed five minutes later with "This is a good start." I spent a half hour sobbing hysterically, and still haven't shaken the feeling of just not being cut out for this academic life. Following the mini-break down, I read over what I wrote today and decided it was shit. Tomorrow will be spent trying to figure out what the hell I am trying to do. After that trip into despair, I spent three hours finishing up as much of the index as I am willing to do for the other prof. (I did it all but the appendix and notes). I wrote him an email and just said "I can't do any more. I am already way behind in my class and on my thesis. “

Plus I have a cold.

I fucking hate my life right now. I love H and the kids, and that part of my life is awesome (except that I've been a downright shitty mother (bought them guilt presents on Tuesday and brought them to Spiderwick last night). But the rest of my I hate working. I hate the academic life. I love reading...the writing I don't know but the reading is good. Sometimes I like teaching. But really...I just wish I was rich so I could say "Fuck you" to them all. Excuse any sloppy writing, typos, my advisor so kindly pointed out "I suck."


Erica said...

I´m right there with you. I´m tired, really tired.

1)I´ve been getting just 4 hours of sleep every night on average trying to keep up with the 6 classes I´m teaching. But I´m really not doing a good job. I´m falling behind. I have 24 hrs a week in front of my groups and I´m earning half of the income I was earning in the States for teaching 6 hours a week.

2)My husband is supposed to get tenure track next month, but it seems that he won´t get it because of bureaucracy.

3)I have been working for a month and a half and haven´t got paid in one of my jobs (the state university). Diego also gets paid every 2 months or so. He hasn´t been reimbursed a money he asked for 3 months ago...

4) To sum it up, I love and hate Mexico right now.

5)As a result of all this stress, I haven´t been a good patient mom, either. I hate this vicious cycle.

Ginger said...

That just sucks so bad. This is the reason we feel we can't live in Mexico right now. Huge hugs.

And the thing I keep thinking is that March has to get better right?

Erica said...

And I forgot to add that if D doesn´t get the tenure next month, he is going to loose some extra income we were expecting to get from SNI and PROMEP, ask H, he should know about that).

And yes, we keep thinking that this has to get better. But really we don´t know how much longer we can wait for things to change.

If you´re planning to come to Mexico, send your CV in advance(you have to fill the application online) to the ITESM. They start the hiring process two-three months before the semester starts, so you get paid on time and they paid around $150 pesos the hour if you have a MA and are teaching at the high school level.

Erica said...

oops! Should say H may know about that.

MTP said...

Ginger, I am sorry you are also having a bad February. At least it is a short month (though of course it HAD to be a leap year--for some extra Feb awesomeness). Hang in there!

Jess said...

I totally relate to the writing panic. It sucks! But, only 12 days (and counting) left in this horrible month, and you have some great reasons why February doesn't suck. I'm totally expecting March to be fabulous in every way to make up for this craziness. :)