I think every hump day needs a post just because it's hump day.
This Wednesday has been pretty good. Let's see I sewed a bunch of gnomes up for the kids yesterday and it was nice to see them taking over my counter this morning. Made me smile despite the little sleep I got. I'm starting to get super pumped about going to see A Place to Bury Strangers on Sunday. To further along my excitement, H showed me this video this morning. Then I listened to them on my way to school, and have to admit I'm kind of in love with Oliver.
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about being wimpy. I too often avoid confrontations, and always end up looking bad for doing so. As a result, I let people push me into decisions with which I'm not always comfortable. I have a really hard time speaking up for myself. And a lot of my weight issues revolve around this fact. Eating is how I stifle the feeling that I should stand up for myself. This is the problem with my thesis.
You see, initially I felt flattered that my current adviser A wanted to work with me. She is brilliant and engaged in the theory I love. I thought it a compliment that she wanted so much to work with me. So much so that I allowed myself to be pushed into taking her on as my adviser. And I dropped my old adviser in a totally wimpy way. I should have seen that she didn't know anything about me, and likely her motivation was to get at my old adviser, S, whom she hates. As that semester went on, I alternated between loving and hating her. This feeling as only intensified. I feel like she left me out to dry on my thesis. She left right after taking me on, and now she's taken a new job. Throughout this year, I've had no guidance, no respect for my writing process, just: This is how all theory people write. I don't write this way. I have to know where I'm going before I can write. It's okay to end up on another direction but I need to be at least pointed somewhere.
I've been finding it nearly impossible to write on my thesis. I have no idea what the hell I'm trying to say. I don't feel comfortable tackling testimonal culture as I know next to nothing about it. I'm not really big on the theories I'm using except for the Foucualt. Problem is that I can figure out how to use Foucault. This leads to the other day: I read over my thesis, and think "How in the hell did I get here?" You see this is not the thesis I wanted to write. I found a brief sentence that I wrote when I was still with S, and it summed up what I wanted to do. And this idea really works with Foucault which is likely why I got all excited about him in the fall. Yet I just wrote 120 pages of stuff I hate. Stuff that makes no sense to me. Stuff that I think might be A's thesis not mine. I have comments all over my thesis that say things like: "Discourse is not what you mean." And I'm thinking "Ummm...yeah it is." And in addition, I don't want to write about desire, Freud, etc. I want to write about media discourses and how they construct certain religion identities.
Thus when I got to school, I went right to S, and said "I'm going to take another semester, will you work with me?" He gladly agreed, and reminded me that he had no problem working with Foucault (he doesn't really like Foucault). Then I checked in the prof. I TA for and asked him if he would be willing to do an independent study with me. He said no problem. I talked to our graduate director, and he was fine with it, even asked me if I wanted the TAship next year.
The ball is now rolling. I'm excited again. But scared to break up with A. I'm likely just going to tell her that I'm going into another semester, and she can't be my adviser if she's gone. But I will tell her over the phone that I'm reorganizing my committee. She'll never tolerate being on it if she's not in charge, and I can't have that. I need to get this done, and that will happen with S. I just need the strength to not be wimpy.