Monday, April 28, 2008

Out of Hiding

It's been a hell of a week. Last week between doing two shows (Destroyer review to come) I had to write two small papers, and finish a project. The project involved creating a game using material from my class "Witches, Saints, and Heretics." It was stressful towards the end but we came up with a cool game that I'm pleased with. We were able to avoid the kinds of labeling conducted by authorities of the time but still showed that labeling worked. I never realized how hard it is to come up with a game that is fun but that conveys certain ideals. Now we'll see if the class likes (they play it tonight...I'm blogging from school!).

But all my work is done, and I'm ready to sleep for a couple of days. The end of the semester is always such a relief to me. This one ending I rarely feel sad about. But I'm trying to not go too much into summer mode as I have a lot to do...packing up our house, getting thesis material ready to travel to Mexico with me (may need a separate suitcase for my books), designing a syllabus. But I'm also trying to balance this with: VACATION. Relax Ginger. I want to enjoy our time in Mexico not be all stressed out with worries concerning my thesis.

In other news...I'm fat. Fatter than ever. Maybe fatter than when I started WW last summer. For some reason, this fact has hit me heavily this week. I went shopping a few weeks ago and bought clothes that I loved and felt good in but this week that doesn't even matter. I remember when I decided to leave WW I asked myself: "What's the worst thing that can happen?" And I answered: "Get fat." At the time, I thought I could handle it. So basically I spent a week bashing myself, and just wondering if I should diet.

But the other day, I ate a few Hershey kisses from the kids' stash and realized when I went back for more that I wasn't hungry. And amazingly that was enough for me to turn away. It hit me last night that I'm actually not overeating. I'm not eating until I feel sick. I'm not always making healthy choices but I'm not gorging myself to explosion either. And yeah I've been using food a bit to get through this stressful time but I don't feel bad about that. I know this time will pass and I won't want these comfort foods for awhile.

And I also realized that Saturday night at the Destroyer show I didn't think once about my weight. I felt sexy and acted sexy. It didn't occur to me that I might not be sexy:) It was a good to be able to feel this without immediately knocking it down by thinking about my weight.

All this to say that I have come along way in the last few months.


Ros said...

Woo hoo on feeling sexy at the show, and about walking away from the kisses when you realized you weren't hungry. PV's on your continuing journey to a healthy body/healthy body image.

Horacio said...

you DID LOOK sexy!

word verification:
mkzrzrzv -- it's like the devil's name: say it three times in a row and the world will come to an abrupt end!

John B-R said...

It's too bad you can't do you grad school writing on weight somehow because yu are amazingly eloquent. Question: is God fat? Is God thin? According to what standard?

Erica said...

I KWYM. I´m also fatter than ever. No kidding. And have been also wondering if I should diet and how should I approach it this time.

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

LOL John BR:P There are actually a ton of xian diets about there, and I know of at least one scholar who's written on them;P

Erica, stopping deiting was the scariest thing I've ever done.

Erica said...

Yeah, I dont want to diet because I know that when I stop it then I´ll gain all the weight again and more. So, I think I need to make some lifetime changes in my eating habits.

Right now I´m again wearing again 9, which may not be that big for many, but I used to be very skinny. My legs and my wrists are REALLY skinny. Three years ago, I was wearing size 3 -like I used to when I was in highschool- because I was on a restricted diet (my idea) due to food intolerances/allergies Isabel was having when I was nursing her. So, anyway, I thought that if I ever gained back all that weight I had lost, it was going to be really easy to lose it again because now I knew what to do. But no, it is very different to do something for one´s children than for one self. At least in my case.

Jess said...

Yay for feeling sexy at the show! :)