Sunday, April 13, 2008

Skinny Dreams

I realized today, as I walked to my car from the library, that I've spent much of my life in anticipation. This thought came naturally enough as I am a high state of anticipation for tomorrow. But I realized this anticipation is a bit deeper than eagerly awaiting an event. Rather my indication centers around weight. Or at least it used to.

For much of my life, I've fantasized about what I would do if I was thin. The future I always envisioned rested on on the condition of me being thin. Thus any fantasy, say becoming a published writer, necessarily envisioned me as a thin woman. And this was true for any imagined situation: concerts, moving to a city, getting married, etc.

And this fantasizing, of course, had its effects on real life. I started to really believe that none of these things could happen unless I was thin. But some of these things started to happen: I was a fat girl when I meet Horacio and married him. I was fat through all of my pregnancies (and yes it is possible to be fat and pregnant not just fat because you're pregnant). I was fat when I began grad. school (and likely will be fat when I finished). As I walked to my car, I realized that at least 90% of the things of which I'm so proud happened while I was fat.

Worst! All of these events were tinged with just a trace of sadness because of this fat. I was supposed to be thin when I got married! I was supposed to be thin with a baby bump when I was pregnant! When I imagine my thesis presentation I am always thin! My fatness made these events seem less. They weren't perfect because I wasn't perfect.

I try to imagine ways to relive these moments as a thin redoing our wedding vows. I have other excuses, no one in Mexico saw our marry so we'll do a ceremony in Mexico, but really it is because the image of my perfect wedding is in an image in which I am thin.

Today I realized that I can't live my life like this anymore. I have to embrace those moments and accept the body that I had was the body that I had. Never once did that fat body stop me having these beautiful moments. I hooked up with and married the most beautiful man as a fat girl. I had all my three beautiful children as a fat girl (and despite all of my drs warnings about weight had relatively easy, drug free births). I entered and succeeded as a grad. student as a fat girl.

But there are many things I don't do because of my weight. I don't wear the clothes I really like. I don't go to shows when I do I hide in the back. I don't allow myself to imagine myself as traveling, writing, etc unless that imaging is about a thin girl. I don't speak up for myself. All these things because of my weight.

I'd love to end this with: Now I'm going to live my life no matter what! I'm free! And I am moving in that direction but this is not something that happens overnight. But I did make a big move in just seeing how much I allowed my weight to be an excuse for not living, and as a reason for not enjoying those moments I've had. Maybe some of this revolves around also not feeling like I deserve happiness.


Jess said...

Great post!! Have you ever read The Fantasy of Being Thin? Kate Harding talks about some of the same feelings.

Erica said...

Sending your way "live your life no matter what" vibes!

You´re beautiful just as you are!

My verification word was fuzky! Finally some kind of word one can read. I always get consonants.

Anonymous said...

I can tell you REALLY, want to be thin. Than do it, do it for you. There are lots of ways and lots of advice out there, I did it, so can you.
My goodness, don't give up on yourself.
I tried for many many years and I finally said, this is it, I want it, and I did it.
You can too.
When you are ready, you will do it too.
Don't give up.