I realized today, as I walked to my car from the library, that I've spent much of my life in anticipation. This thought came naturally enough as I am a high state of anticipation for tomorrow. But I realized this anticipation is a bit deeper than eagerly awaiting an event. Rather my indication centers around weight. Or at least it used to.
For much of my life, I've fantasized about what I would do if I was thin. The future I always envisioned rested on on the condition of me being thin. Thus any fantasy, say becoming a published writer, necessarily envisioned me as a thin woman. And this was true for any imagined situation: concerts, moving to a city, getting married, etc.
And this fantasizing, of course, had its effects on real life. I started to really believe that none of these things could happen unless I was thin. But some of these things started to happen: I was a fat girl when I meet Horacio and married him. I was fat through all of my pregnancies (and yes it is possible to be fat and pregnant not just fat because you're pregnant). I was fat when I began grad. school (and likely will be fat when I finished). As I walked to my car, I realized that at least 90% of the things of which I'm so proud happened while I was fat.
Worst! All of these events were tinged with just a trace of sadness because of this fat. I was supposed to be thin when I got married! I was supposed to be thin with a baby bump when I was pregnant! When I imagine my thesis presentation I am always thin! My fatness made these events seem less. They weren't perfect because I wasn't perfect.
I try to imagine ways to relive these moments as a thin person...like redoing our wedding vows. I have other excuses, no one in Mexico saw our marry so we'll do a ceremony in Mexico, but really it is because the image of my perfect wedding is in an image in which I am thin.
Today I realized that I can't live my life like this anymore. I have to embrace those moments and accept the body that I had was the body that I had. Never once did that fat body stop me having these beautiful moments. I hooked up with and married the most beautiful man as a fat girl. I had all my three beautiful children as a fat girl (and despite all of my drs warnings about weight had relatively easy, drug free births). I entered and succeeded as a grad. student as a fat girl.
But there are many things I don't do because of my weight. I don't wear the clothes I really like. I don't go to shows when I do I hide in the back. I don't allow myself to imagine myself as traveling, writing, etc unless that imaging is about a thin girl. I don't speak up for myself. All these things because of my weight.
I'd love to end this with: Now I'm going to live my life no matter what! I'm free! And I am moving in that direction but this is not something that happens overnight. But I did make a big move in just seeing how much I allowed my weight to be an excuse for not living, and as a reason for not enjoying those moments I've had. Maybe some of this revolves around also not feeling like I deserve happiness.