Monday, May 26, 2008

Ah-Ha

Warning: Fat Grrl Post (note: when I spell it "grrl" I'm feeling sassy).

And no, don't worry, this is not a post about the eighties band Ah-ha. No this is a post about those light bulb moments where you supposedly say "Ah-ha!"

I should know by now that when I start slamming on the body there are other issues lurking in the background. I couldn't really figure out what was going on though. I wasn't stressed about my thesis, and while I was a bit anxious over packing, etc, it was nothing too serious (I mean, I quit smoking during this). But still I was eating like mad, and beating myself up verbally with every cookie I inhaled. It was an insane cycle:

Ginger eats a nobake cookie.
To self: "Wow you ate a whole cookie, and you're not even hungry."
G eats another cookie.
"OMG. You are such a disgusting fat slob. You ate ANOTHER ONE."

And this conversation essentially went on through about four cookies. And then my mornings...lovely self-destruction in front of the mirror. I HATED looking at myself, and when I did there was a steady stream of verbal abuse that had it been directed a child? Social services time. Of course I'd never talk to my children in such a way. Hell I wouldn't talk to my worst enemy this way.

But what blows me away is that never once do I stop eating. It's like I'm eating in defiance of myself. I'm rebelling against that nasty voice in my head who tells me how ugly I am. Rebelling by making myself fatter. Crazy!

But it hits me the other day that this overeating/self-abuse is stemming from anxiety over going to Mexico. See, I feel so self-conscious around H's family. His mom and sister are so tiny, and his whole family is way into exercising, etc. I always feel like this giant, clumsy clown around them. And in turn ending up acting bitchy, sulky and unpleasant which just makes me so much more likable. The attitude and the weight are, I think, defenses...sort of like a preemptive strike. I assume they're going to look down on me so I guard myself. I do this with women alot especially thin, pretty women. I assume they're going to look down on me so I get all hard and cold. I scorn them before they can scorn me.

And this has prevented me from having a real relationship with H's female relatives. It's a huge step for me to not only see this but admit it. And it makes me determined to over come it. There is no reason why I can't let my guard down. I have to learn to be okay with my body enough that I don't put up these walls. I have to learn to take the comfort I feel with my body when at home to the street. I'm envisioning this little bubble that I carry around with me. In my bubble, I am curvy and sexy not fat and sloppy. In my bubble, I am okay with me and okay with other's bodies. Maybe I need to market the bubble...

2 comments:

Ros said...

The bubble rules! Don't even bother packing it, just wear it on the plane.

Adela said...

Wishing you the best for this trip and beyond...