Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Wrong Side of Thirty

Time for the annual birthday posts! Of course I think this is only the second one[actually my third but hey who's counting?]...but I have kept a journal most of my life and I always write on my birthdays. I wrote on my 25th birthday that for me birthdays felt like the real New Year. On my birthdays, I always ponder where I have gone, and where I plan to go. I am never one to make hard plans or even resolutions but there is something about my birthday that makes me reflect on my life.

This year, I am 36. And it was a much harder number for me than any of my previous ones. Forty is looming, and I know it's not old but I feel somehow like maybe I should be more grown up by 40. You know a job, a house that I actually own, etc. But that voice is easily stilled when I think about damn content I am in my life right now. I told my mom that I used to yearn to be a published writer but now...my blog makes me happy with the readership I have, and I love school (minus adviser issues). Plus the real achievements are my greatest loves: H, Umberto, Camille, and Piper. With them there is so little to want...just the world for them...but for me? I don't know how it could really be any better, cooler, or more wonderful. Okay a million dollars wouldn't hurt.

And I suppose that some of this sadness over the approaching 40 comes from looking back. It's hard to believe that it was almost 20 years ago I was a gothe girl who didn't imagine making it to 40. I often have a hard time reconciling that girl with the woman I am now. And there is a bit of mourning over that lost spirit. Complicating that whole mourning are the multiple wrongs not made right, the things not ended, etc. There is a whole chunk of my life that is still this gaping wound. Don't get me wrong, it's a much smaller wound but it's still a wound. I just sometimes wish it would finally heal.

But anyway...today is my birthday. It didn't get much notice in the "real world" but I was overjoyed to see so many greetings on my facebook. It touched me that so many people all around the world took the time to wish me a good one. And a whole year has gone by again..a whole year full of drama, joy, and travel. A year of many changes...some occurring only in the last few days but a great year. New friends, closer friends, and a whole years worth of blogging under my belt. I hope that next year is as exciting although I am going to wish for a little more sleep.

8 comments:

Lolabola* said...

happy birthday!!!!

thank god you blog and I know about it.

Erica said...

Happy birthday, Ginger!

Horacio said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! how old are you again? for real? ;-0

The Bear Maiden said...

Wow, only 36? A baby!!!! And as someone who passed 40 three years ago, I can tell you that for some reason 40 is EXTREMELY liberating.People can't tell you what to do anymore. You're 40! You're grown!

Of course... there are still problems and drama and issues and tears... but that's life, I guess. Nothing to do with age.

But you have 4 whole years to get there... and time goes fast but it also goes very slowly and a lot can change in 4 years.

So enjoy where you are now. It only gets better.

Hope you had a great day!

John B-R said...

Happy birthday, Ginger. May you have 36 more years, and 36 more after that, full of love and joy and all the rest. L'chaim!

ernesto sandoval said...

all i can do is add another b-day greeting. it's so delightful to read you.

i also write in my journal on my birthdays. this year i wrote: "geez, pynchon was publishing v. when he was my age; dylan had written like a rolling stone; paul mccartney had written and planned sgt pepper". i got a little bit down, but i actually love my life. just like you said. it is people around us who make it worthwhile. they're our own personal masterpieces.

hugs

Ernesto Priego said...

I said happy birthday on Facebook, but I'm not sure if you saw that. Anyway, belated blog comment wishing you had a lovely birthday...

hugs

e

Ephémère said...

Feliz cumpleanos, ginger!
Bon anniversaire!

From dearest DHL:
"(...)All life carried on your shoulder,
Invincible fore-runner.