Saturday, October 18, 2008

Up Against the Wall

For the last two weeks, I have held onto an introduction. An introduction critiqued. An introduction that was written nearly a year ago...revised once already. My new improved adviser assured me I wasn't in left filed over this one. I thought hearing that it was still workable would some compel me to start working on the damn thing.

But here it is two weeks later, and I am nearly paralyzed with fear. I have tried to read the damn thing and I can't even get past the opening quote. I've tried to analyze the fear. I've dismissed the fear, decided it was boredom, beat myself up for being uncommitted. I misplaced the fear. Past issues with old adviser were surfacing. I was terrified of facing the old comments, what I had felt pressured into writing.

Maybe it's just the fall...you know depression time. I hate the fall sometimes. It feels so hard to get moving. There days when I feel like I can barely function. Right now it's hard to just get the kids to school. When I get home from walking, I often go to bed. Sometimes I motivate myself to clean the house. I do the work for my class but pushing myself for the thesis...nope.

And yeah I am depressed. But that's not what's really keeping me from revising. It's the writing. I am terrified. And this is why I can't write here. I try but I end up either not publishing or deleting what I wrote. How is that something I love so much terrifies me? And why? Is the fear that it will just suck?

No. I think it's a bit deeper than that....I think it's the fear that writing always stirs in me. Even academic writing. There is the fear that I will just not be good enough. An intense fear that nothing that I write is making any sense. It's more than just being good; it's about conveying. Deep inside there is a fear that nothing I write will be interpreted in any kind of sensible way...as if the words that form in my mind are not finding their way onto the computer screen. I imagine there is this disconnect between my thoughts and my hands. I am two separate entities, and they do not seem to be communicating lately.

5 comments:

The Bear Maiden said...

You need to stop doing that to yourself. You live and write beautifully.

You always convey deep emotion in your writing... it's why people who don't "know" you come to "visit" you here...

But I understand about the depression and the self-doubt and trying to stay motivated... I do. Wholeheartedly. But sometimes you just write because the act of writing clears your head... even if you don't think it will make sense. It often will... your mind clears as your fingers begin to move and things get clearer and clearer...

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

You're right Bear Maiden.Thanks. I think I get to wrapped sometimes in doing it "right." I'm working to move out of that space, and seeing as something I need to do.

Ernesto Priego said...

I agree with the Bear Maiden, but I can also relate to that feeling of self-doubt when it comes to writing and how that affects the rest of your life/day.

Deadlines depress me.

Erica said...

I also agree with Bear Maiden and Ernesto. And can relate to that feeling, too. And I'm feeling exactly like that right now because I'll be going again to Florida for the spring to write my dissertation. I'm really having second thoughts about my decision to go. But decided to do so because next semester I'm supposed to graduate and of course I won't graduate but need to do something to be able to ask for an extension.

Ernesto Priego said...

Jesus, I just found out about this. WTF?