I'm waiting patiently for the drugs to kick in...right now they leave me feeling a tad dopey and sick to my stomach. The fog is still there but I'm used to that...just wishing it would clear a little so I could do all the things on my list. I have three things I MUST write this week, and have done little to work on them. I read a good article about Cortez, and am still plowing through his letters from Mexico. They always leave feeling a bit sick. And it's strange now that I've been to Vera Cruz and have done, by the road, the trip he made to Mexico City.
Mostly, though my whole world is revolving around concern for Camille. Camille has, what might be, the worst K teacher on the planet. I feel a bit betrayed by our otherwise wonderful school as this is not what I was sold on. Camille's room is dismal and depressing not just in decoration but in actual work done. There are lots of worksheets and boring lessons. They are often asked to sit still with nothing to do while the teacher does her planning. The aide yells a lot and says grossly inapprioate things to the children. Monday there was a huge issue about Camille wearing her coat. I wanted to just let her not wear it but they insisted that she did, and then made comments about how she never acts like this unless her mama is around. By the time we got back to the school Camille was sobbing. I took her home. The issue isn't the coat. It's about making Camille do what they want. I just don't get dominating children. Why do people invest so much power in this kind of thing? I've watched Camille become increasingly more anxious. Her behavior is horrible at home due to, I think, the strain of having to be "good" all day at school. She has this kind of compulsive thing where she licks her hands when she's nervous which lately has resulted in her chapping her cheeks. It's painful to watch, and I feel agonized about doing the right thing. I know if she can just make it through this year I can get her to a better teacher. Of course, I wonder if I'm just making this into a huge mountain because of all the shit I'm going through. I tend to exagerate things when I'm in this state. I second guess my concerns. Wonder if I expect too much. So this is weighing on me, and trying to deal with while wading through this fog is hard.
And of course it sucks what little energy I have, and leads to an increasing state of anxiety. I wake up at night worried about her, about the economy, about everything. And I have to keep saying to myself "It will not fall apart. Everything is going to be okay." Living life this fragile is draining. I realize that so much of my energy during these times is spent trying to not let myself break into a thousand pieces. I feel Piper bears a big brunt of this because often we come home from dropping the kids off and I sleep. I don't give her nearly as much as I should. And this cycles into more anxiety. But it will get better...
And thanks everyone for the words, encouragement, and concern. I am not going to off myself or end up with a breakdown. I made sure I got help before I hit bottom. I knew it would take some time to figure out a potion so I got help early. I know I'm crazy John, and it's okay. I've been crazy for awhile, and still manage to find so much love. It can't be all that bad right?