Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Days Blending Into Days

I'm waiting patiently for the drugs to kick in...right now they leave me feeling a tad dopey and sick to my stomach. The fog is still there but I'm used to that...just wishing it would clear a little so I could do all the things on my list. I have three things I MUST write this week, and have done little to work on them. I read a good article about Cortez, and am still plowing through his letters from Mexico. They always leave feeling a bit sick. And it's strange now that I've been to Vera Cruz and have done, by the road, the trip he made to Mexico City.

Mostly, though my whole world is revolving around concern for Camille. Camille has, what might be, the worst K teacher on the planet. I feel a bit betrayed by our otherwise wonderful school as this is not what I was sold on. Camille's room is dismal and depressing not just in decoration but in actual work done. There are lots of worksheets and boring lessons. They are often asked to sit still with nothing to do while the teacher does her planning. The aide yells a lot and says grossly inapprioate things to the children. Monday there was a huge issue about Camille wearing her coat. I wanted to just let her not wear it but they insisted that she did, and then made comments about how she never acts like this unless her mama is around. By the time we got back to the school Camille was sobbing. I took her home. The issue isn't the coat. It's about making Camille do what they want. I just don't get dominating children. Why do people invest so much power in this kind of thing? I've watched Camille become increasingly more anxious. Her behavior is horrible at home due to, I think, the strain of having to be "good" all day at school. She has this kind of compulsive thing where she licks her hands when she's nervous which lately has resulted in her chapping her cheeks. It's painful to watch, and I feel agonized about doing the right thing. I know if she can just make it through this year I can get her to a better teacher. Of course, I wonder if I'm just making this into a huge mountain because of all the shit I'm going through. I tend to exagerate things when I'm in this state. I second guess my concerns. Wonder if I expect too much. So this is weighing on me, and trying to deal with while wading through this fog is hard.

And of course it sucks what little energy I have, and leads to an increasing state of anxiety. I wake up at night worried about her, about the economy, about everything. And I have to keep saying to myself "It will not fall apart. Everything is going to be okay." Living life this fragile is draining. I realize that so much of my energy during these times is spent trying to not let myself break into a thousand pieces. I feel Piper bears a big brunt of this because often we come home from dropping the kids off and I sleep. I don't give her nearly as much as I should. And this cycles into more anxiety. But it will get better...

And thanks everyone for the words, encouragement, and concern. I am not going to off myself or end up with a breakdown. I made sure I got help before I hit bottom. I knew it would take some time to figure out a potion so I got help early. I know I'm crazy John, and it's okay. I've been crazy for awhile, and still manage to find so much love. It can't be all that bad right?

4 comments:

The Bear Maiden said...

I'm crazy, too Ginger. Definitely a tendency to manic/depressive, I think. Cuz I'm more manic these days than I've been in a bit. I think we all have traces of these things... those of us who suffer more have more in proportion.

Which in a roundabout way brings me to Camille... everything that happens to us affects the chemicals our developing childhood brain produces. Get her out of there. It's only Kindergarten. She can do it over. There is no reason to subject her to an environment that isn't good for her. I firmly believe that little children should not be forced to conform to an environment. An environment should be selected that will wrap around your child.

Childcare may be an issue? but I'm sure you can find a better way. Get her out... please. I'm distressed for her, and I'm not even anywhere close to there...

Lolabola* said...

Ginger, hugs to you. really I send you the biggest warmest hug. Totally missing the blogosphere right now.

also, about Camille. I have a strong feeling she'll be fine. One year of not super good (or even kind of bad) schooling is really not the end of the world. It will most likely make her a stronger person. Life is full of these situations and this might just be your opportunity to show her that it's not as big a deal as it seems. To help her find ways of coping with these things.

How many of us had shitty teachers or crappy years? They made us stronger and helped us even as we look back and wish they were otherwise. (kindergarten rather sucked for me as well but I've never felt a need for it to have been different, just took a while to understand how it was useful to me)

word veri: Imamist which is the funniest thing somehow.

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

Jesi,
My instinct is defintely on line with what you're saying. Lola this is how Horacio feels. I'm wavering because Camille is mostly happy. She has friends and she is learning a lot. However, the hand licking thing makes me nervous. I'm considering seeing if I can get a diangnois of anxiety and maybe move her to the other room...

I'll keep you all updated.

Ernesto Priego said...

I just love Lolabola.