Sunday, November 23, 2008

Reactions

The Friday appointment was uneventful really. For such a dramatic step in my life it was actually very anticlimactic. But in my experience life is all too often like that. I remember my friend Tyler used to wish her life was a musical. We would imagine music for all the mundane things we did (imagine having a chorus of dancing girls as you brushed your teeth). There were no dancing girls at my point only a rather plumb, balding, man about my age who blushed profusely when I said "Look my sex is about the only good thing going for me right now and I don't want to ruin that." But he talked me into the Zoloft for three weeks. I have to get counseling which I feel rather indifferent about. Before drugs, I really felt that people on antidepressants should always get counseling. But now I don't know. I guess it's going to depend on what I can find. I leaning toward cognitive therapy because you know I have spent years talking about all the fucked things that have happened to me, and I'm kind of over it. Now I'd just some coping mechanisms please.

But what this post is really about has been every one's reactions. H has been supportive. I don't think he's thrilled about antidepressants as a whole but he respects me enough to honor my choices. My "alternative" friends haven't come outright and said anything but I think they're horrified. I've had subtle hints that maybe I should try Yoga or get a massage. And you know those are all good things to do and I will do them. I'm not against holistic medicine, but I'm not anti Western medicine either. I like an approach that utilizes both. But these friends really see antidepressants as the prime example of the problem that Western medicine poses. Then I have the friends who were me a few months ago. The antimediciation period friends. These are the friends who spent a lot of time trying to persuade me from going to the appointment. And they're the friends who can't understand why I just don't other things to make myself better. I think they also might think there is a bit of weakness to taking a pill to "feel happy." I can't really complain about them because this was my attitude not that long ago. I didn't look down on those who took antidepressants but I think back in my mind I saw it as a weakness.

And now I'm on antidepressants. I haven't been on long enough to see any difference. It makes me a little dopey right now, nauseous and gives me a headache but I've been assured this will past. I think it is already starting to soften my moods a bit. Yesterday I was starting to get real nasty about the time I needed to take another pill but since I've also quit smoking....well who knows where the nastiness was coming from! But the thing is I don't feel weak for doing this, nor do I feel like I'm just taking a happy pill that will make my problems go away. I'm doing something that might help be able to work at the problems. Right now I'm so fucking low I can't even function. I realized I was addicted to Facebook because it requires minimum mental activity. If taking a pill will give me some space to breath so that I can work on what needs to get worked on is it really a bad thing? Am I weak? Maybe but you know I've spent a long time trying to work through this on my own, and it didn't help. If being weak is going to help me to function than I guess I'll have to live with being weak.

14 comments:

The Bear Maiden said...

Oh, now I see what you were saying earlier :). But in this case, I understand. Hell, in August I seriously seriously considered meds myself.

But in the case of the woman I was talking about, I still think she needs money. To have the edge taken off in her case is dangerous. Very dangerous. And I'm mad the system would rather have give her meds than get her out.

John B-R said...

I think it usually takes a couple weeks for the meds to really ick in ... so be kind to yrself in the meantime ..

John B-R said...

And: Whoever thinks you're weak has fears they refuse to face. Whether they approve of this particular stragety or not, you are taking care of yourself as best you can. WTF is weak about that?

Jon said...

Hey,

my experience is that the first few weeks on meds are pretty bewildering. You spend one feeling rough, another feeling happy and then finally settle to something a little above what you felt before, except now you can get up and leave the house. Depends what you're taking though...

I was against anti-depressants for a very ling time, until it got to the point where I ended up taking them myself. They can help, but I found they didn't solve anything. They just helped me into a position where I could work on sorting out the problems.

It is a big step and you deserve all the support you can get. So here's wishing you good luck from me!

Hugs

Jon

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

Hell I wasn't talking about you Bear Maiden! I was thinking of the people I see in RL. But yeah I think that if the woman you're talking about is not getting any other help, then it's just pointless. The pills aren't going to make the situation go away.

Thanks John and Jon. I don't want anything to solve my problems. To be honest, there aren't any major problems that I could even label! I really just need something that will give me that little bit of umph so I can function.

Word verification: pintrapp;P

Erica said...

I haven´t been on meds but your post reminded me of one´s opinions before having babies: what you think you wouldn't do or would do, and how once you have a baby your ideas change quite a bit.

So, don´t worry about what other people think or what you thought before being on meds. Now you´re on this situation and this is what is working for you or the way you chose to tackle this issue.

And the most important thing is that you have H´s support.

The Bear Maiden said...

@ Erica... HA HA!!!! Ain't that the truth!

Ephémère said...

Chère Ginger,
not only you but all of us have to live with our weaknesses, and, as JohnBR says, what would be wrong about that? Nothing, except that it's hard, and it's life.
If it may help anyhow, do not forget that quite a bunch loves you, I myself think of you every day at some point, every day.
You have a wondeful family, and not only because it's my little brother out there but certainly because the five of you have brought joy and bliss to Ivan, my parents and myself, not to mention all the significant others around us that love you too.
No advice from someone who's struggling with her own demons, or, if anything, try to dive into the causes of it along with an analyst, maybe?
We are here, Ginger.
Un abrazo muy fuerte.

Ephémère said...

BIS: have you tried swimming? I'm not kidding, I've tried it personally, it's magic,no matter how good or bad a swimmer you are.
Remember Kieslowski's "Bleu" ?

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

I do remember Bleu, and I love swimming. I'm going to try to budget out money for the Y because exercise period makes me feel better. And thank you all:P I knew that whose knew me and cared about me would get it. It's really the reactions I've gotten from people around here that's suprised me.

Hugs to all.

Ros said...

I suppose, "When you're living my fucking life you can make my fucking choices for me" isn't a response you want to give to friends, but I'd be tempted. You're taking care of yourself. That's all that matters.

Ernesto Priego said...

Hey, here's me showing support too.

Re: life as a musical, did you see that French film, "le chansons d'mamour?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvLbc4ynXgE

The thing with musicals is that they can either cheer you up or depress you ;)



On taking meds, have you read Elizabeth Wurtzel?

John B-R said...

Another way to think of meds (my way): I spent 25 years high every day. I developed twin concepts: theochemistry and chemotheology. The first concerned concocting proper potions, so to speak. The second concerned ways to think about the results of ingestion. I became very aware that all brain states are electrochemical. I also became aware that consciousness is in direct relation to brain states. There was a slogan going round that reflected that knowledge, can't remember where I learned it, "If you don't like where you're at, double the dose." For the last 6 years or so, my theochemical concoctions have been: a calcium channel blocker to control an irregular heart (!), stuff to deal with acid reflux, an antidepressant, an antianxiety med. I consider myself totally sober, by the way, which may say more about where I came from than about my reality. Nevertheless, It's ALL electrochemistry. No one would think twice about putting a splint on a broken limb. Why should they think twice about putting a splint on a broken brain? a) Because no-one wants to have a broken brain (stigma stigma stigma!!) b) because our internal electrochemistry is so much a response to sensory input; and guess what? We'd have to admit we have concocted an antihuman civilization - and maybe even have to think seriously about changing it (heaven forbid!). There's nothing wrong with you besides being crazy in a crazy world. I hope you don't mind this last sentence. Personally, I dont have the slightest problem with calling myself crazy. In fact, I wear it as a badge: at least I'm sensitive enough to recognize the hell we're living in.

Adela said...

I'm with Ros! There's nothing weak about taking care of yourself. I know it is the most important step I have taken in my life and it has actually led me back to feeling strong and able to fulfill my dreams. A BIG, BIG HUG TO YOU!