The Friday appointment was uneventful really. For such a dramatic step in my life it was actually very anticlimactic. But in my experience life is all too often like that. I remember my friend Tyler used to wish her life was a musical. We would imagine music for all the mundane things we did (imagine having a chorus of dancing girls as you brushed your teeth). There were no dancing girls at my point only a rather plumb, balding, man about my age who blushed profusely when I said "Look my sex is about the only good thing going for me right now and I don't want to ruin that." But he talked me into the Zoloft for three weeks. I have to get counseling which I feel rather indifferent about. Before drugs, I really felt that people on antidepressants should always get counseling. But now I don't know. I guess it's going to depend on what I can find. I leaning toward cognitive therapy because you know I have spent years talking about all the fucked things that have happened to me, and I'm kind of over it. Now I'd just some coping mechanisms please.
But what this post is really about has been every one's reactions. H has been supportive. I don't think he's thrilled about antidepressants as a whole but he respects me enough to honor my choices. My "alternative" friends haven't come outright and said anything but I think they're horrified. I've had subtle hints that maybe I should try Yoga or get a massage. And you know those are all good things to do and I will do them. I'm not against holistic medicine, but I'm not anti Western medicine either. I like an approach that utilizes both. But these friends really see antidepressants as the prime example of the problem that Western medicine poses. Then I have the friends who were me a few months ago. The antimediciation period friends. These are the friends who spent a lot of time trying to persuade me from going to the appointment. And they're the friends who can't understand why I just don't other things to make myself better. I think they also might think there is a bit of weakness to taking a pill to "feel happy." I can't really complain about them because this was my attitude not that long ago. I didn't look down on those who took antidepressants but I think back in my mind I saw it as a weakness.
And now I'm on antidepressants. I haven't been on long enough to see any difference. It makes me a little dopey right now, nauseous and gives me a headache but I've been assured this will past. I think it is already starting to soften my moods a bit. Yesterday I was starting to get real nasty about the time I needed to take another pill but since I've also quit smoking....well who knows where the nastiness was coming from! But the thing is I don't feel weak for doing this, nor do I feel like I'm just taking a happy pill that will make my problems go away. I'm doing something that might help be able to work at the problems. Right now I'm so fucking low I can't even function. I realized I was addicted to Facebook because it requires minimum mental activity. If taking a pill will give me some space to breath so that I can work on what needs to get worked on is it really a bad thing? Am I weak? Maybe but you know I've spent a long time trying to work through this on my own, and it didn't help. If being weak is going to help me to function than I guess I'll have to live with being weak.