Friday, December 12, 2008

Ginger Does Exist

But she's been busy doing life.

And what a life....

Papers, readings, kids' school, the list goes on but it's living, and I am trying to do more of it.

Week three on antidepressants...I refuse to call them happy pills because they do not make me happy. All of my expectations have been blown apart, and that's a good thing by the way. Zoloft does not make feel like a zombie, it does not make me feel overjoyed, nor does it suck up my creativity. What Zoloft has done is taken enough off of the fog and depression so that I can function. It's hard to write when you're so miserable you can not even muster the energy to type out a sentence. I've not screamed at the kids, so much. And I'm starting to slowly ease myself back into the land of live people. It's been interesting...painful but interesting. I've really isolated myself over the last couple of years. The world sort of revolved around H and the kids. We really had this sort of insular wall around us. We let our friend D in but that was about it. Now that I'm forced to interact I'm slowly making friends's not easy in some ways, and there are days when I honestly long to just be back in the womb we created. But this is life, and I've already meet someone who I know is going to be a good friend. It's nice but scary because it involves opening up not just myself but opening up to her pain as well.

Bad thing about Zoloft...sexual zombie. The only thing I can't feel is sexy. I'm talking totally turning off my sex drive! It was very unpleasant, and felt so foreign to me. I did however feel a kind of safety in that void, and that scared me almost as much as losing the sex drive. It's strange to walk around the world and not feel any sexual attraction whatsoever but then it's also safe.....I don't know but the doctor gave me Welbrutin to counteract the effect of the was as he said "A Christmas gift your husband."

Thanks for checking in. I'll be writing more over the holidays.


Lolabola* said...

that first photo is magic. missing you and your writings....

Ephémère said...

Glad to hear from you, Ginger, zombie for a while maybe but just to awaken to a wider world around you, the kids, Horacio.
We want all of you in our daily lives, cross the border and cross the Atlantic.

Un abrazo and lots of oysters and ginger (yes!) for Christmas to counteract the Zolof.

Ephémère said...

don't know exactly what i meant by "we want all of you", blame it on the chinon i had for lunch and cole porter. but i do want to hear from you.

John B-R said...

Ginger, brave post. Which deserves equal bravery. My sex life - no, my lreation to my sexuality - took an uh interesting and surprising turn when I went on my antidepressant. I was luckier than you, I didn't turn into a "zombie", but my sex drive turned almost entirely into something other than lust. I ceased to care - still don't care - whether I come or not. Which doesn't mean I don't enjoy it when it happens - which is rarely - but all I really want now is the intimacy. Who'd a thunk? It took me a while to get used to this "new me", but I have to admit, it's really made life better. To quote Ephémère, I've indeed "awaken[ed] to a wider world around [me]". And I'm better for it.

I don't suggest that any of this has anything to do with you, I just feel that sharing deserves sharing ...

I hope the Welbutrin gets you back where you want to be ...

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

That is interesting John. What bothered me is that I just felt a lack of attraction period. I mean I could get started and it was alright but it...was it's not me, and that made me uncomfortable. And I didn't even want anyone touching me. I am not a big touch person but the Zoloft made that much worst.


Horacio said...

now i have an extra christmas card to send!

Ephémère said...

shall we let go
and allow the soul to find its level
downwards, ebbing downwards, ebbing downwards to the flood?
till the head floats tilted like a bottle forward tilted
on the sea, with no message in it; and the body submerged heavy and swaying like a whale recovering its velocityand strenght under the cold black wave.

or else, or else
shall a man brace hiself up
and lift his face and set his breast
and go forth to change the world?
gather his will and his energy together
and fling hilself in effort afgter effort
upon the world, to bring a change to pass?


must we hold on?
or can we now let go?

or is it even possible that we must do both?