I like to think of myself as unique. Deep inside I harbor this fear that I'm actually a conformist. I have amazing chamelon abilities. Part of this ability, I suspect, is an inherited trait from my father. People love my dad. He has this kind of friendly demeanor that attracts people. I at times have this as well (at least until my inner bitch unleases herself). This ability to attract people is linked to being able to talk with anyone about anything. The ability to become who people need you to be. To blend in with whoever you're around. And I fear that this is really me...not the rebel girl I yearn to be.
And I find myself blending into whatever life I move into with ease. When I was teaching, I spent some time thinking that I could do this for the rest of my life. When I was in the midst of grad. school that seemed like the life. Now that I'm basically a SAHM, I find myself rather enjoying it.
Which leads to this whole problem of identity. I find myself agonizing late at night, in the grips of insomnia, about who I really am. What is my essence, I worry, as I toss about trying to slip into a dream. What do I want to be when I grow up? Why can't I just find myself and be content? Why is identity such a fleeting thing for me? Why can I just figure out who I am and what I want to do?
Of course, it seems like most people don't go through this. I look at people and they seem pretty content with they are...no agonizing late at night about their identities.
And I feel shallow and wishy washy. Can't I just commit to being a nonconformist? Or even a conformist? I feel like I double talk as I try to balance how I feel while being bombarded with multiple expectations about how I should feel. These are the times when I wish I just could have a solid opinion without worry, without fear, without doubt.
People think I'm this strong, opioninated bitch woman from hell. But really I feel like a scared little girl trapped in a big person's body. A tiny being who is unsure, insecure, and uncertian. I am a chameleon sometimes when I feel like I shouldn't be. There are times when I anger myself for not speaking out, and times when I anger myself for speaking out.