Friday, June 05, 2009

The Past Haunting the Present

Warning: Intensely personal post.

Lately things have come up that drew me into a past I'd rather leave behind. When we came to Charlotte, it was like shedding a skin, embracing a new life with new people. I felt I could become someone different here.

But the past has returned in various ways.

First, issues arose with a new friend. I thought this person liked me for who I was...all the bitchy, obnoxious parts. I discovered though that this person did not really like those parts of fact, rather detested them. While I don't expect people to like all of me, I don't like all aspects of most of my friends, I do think that when we truly care about someone we embrace those parts in order to embrace the parts we do like.

This confrontation about my obnoxious, bitchy self lead to many hurt feelings from the past. I remembered too many other painful awareness of being rejected utterly for those parts of my self. I remembered trying so hard to bury them, to fit in, to be normal enough that people would want to be around me. I've spent most of my life being off cue in terms of dealing with other people. Often I just withdrew even though I desperately wanted friends because it was too hard to constantly monitoring myself. I felt like I carried around this mental notebook in which I had written directions on how to act with others. But at some point, it failed me, and I felt again like that person who was always a little off beat, a little wrong in her interactions. I tried again and again to just simply embrace myself for who I was but it is hard to embrace that person when no one else seems to want to hang on as well.

Thus when I again encountered this attitude, I felt myself shrivel up a bit. I wanted to go back into hiding. I have a safe little world with H and the beasties...with people who do embrace me utterly for who I am. Who don't mind that I'm off cue. But there was another part of me that loved having this circle of friends whom I love and care about. I waver between wondering if it's worth pulling out that notebook figure how one acts normal amidst people.

And Facebook has brought the past as well. I am starting to hate Facebook. I found myself today on the verge of erasing it. Getting rid of all reminders of the past. That girl who everyone found ugly, bitchy, and unpleasant. I don't want her around anymore. I am not that girl anymore. I am more confident. I realize now that I wasn't ugly, and that the view many had of me came from my own insecurity, and from the expectations of the place in which I lived. But hearing the memories of people, or having someone say "Wow you're hot now" burns me deeply. It reopens those wounds, leaves me fresh and bleeding. I start to wonder again if anyone really finds me attractive, even here. I remember how people thought there was no way H would ever be interested in a fat, ugly girl like me. How so many people thought he would cheat on me, find someone more worthy of his good looks. I remember people doubting that anyone like H could ever want to be with someone like me. The confusion that his attention brought...and how even my closest friends felt this way.

And now I am bleeding once again. I wish the new friend could understand how his words make me feel. I wish my old friends could let go of the person they once knew, who doesn't exist anymore. I wish, often, that I could be someone different. That I could just naturally ease into those social cues that most people seem so able to embrace. And I wish that I could not return to my little fortress, that I could boldly be who I am, and work on being better with the help of my friends rather than their censure.


Lolabola* said...

In many ways, this is a post that I could have written. So many similar ideas and feelings have been running around in my head with me trying to make sense of them. Thankfully you are much braver and more articulate because I don't think I could ever clarify half of this. Double thankfully, I am not alone in these feelings.

Especially the accepting of bitchy parts (beginning to realize that's a non-negotiable part of friendship for me..... beginning to feel okay with that being non-negotiable) and also the feeling "like that person who was always a little off beat, a little wrong in her interactions" and also wishing "That I could just naturally ease into those social cues that most people seem so able to embrace. And I wish that I could not return to my little fortress, that I could boldly be who I am, and work on being better with the help of my friends rather than their censure." to which I would have to add, 'wish I did not need to rebel against their need for me to fit into those social cues or at least not let trying to fit into them make me feel suffocated and depressed'.

Just this morning I was thinking, after your last post, how happy I am that I get to read your blog.

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

Thanks Lolabola. It's always good to feel like you're not alone. I'm happy we have this blog connection as well.

The Bear Maiden said...

Yeah see... you come to realize at a certain point that there are certain things about yourself that are unchangeable. And since they are unchangeable, you yourself have to accept them... to find the workable angle to them. And then surround yourself with people who can accept the unchangeable, and who also can see the workable angle.

I'm bitchy too. I tend to take shit over. My first reaction is always "No". But I find I'm bitchy when I'm overwhelmed... I take shit over not because I think I'm good at it but because I'm obsessive, and I realized "no" is my first reaction because it gives me time to think. It's easier to say "no" and change it to yes, than the other way round.

So I surround myself with people who don't take offense at my bitchiness, understand my obsessiveness, and know enough about me that if they really want me to do so something they just need to show me the benefit of the thing.

Granted... those folk are few and far between. But fuck the rest... who needs them anyway? Think about it... the freind was "new"... you lived your whole life without having known them or needing them... you can do it again.

I do understand the hurt, the pain of rejection... but I've also come to see that sometimes people are walking with their own toxic shit that has nothing to do with you, and that helps me take it slightly less personal....

Besides people are just idiots, really.

gman's_mom said...

We all bring stuff with us...good and bad. It's OK to be right where you are and just who you are int he moment. Most importantly...we all do have our stuff so who is to say anything about anyone else' your friend said...Find the ones who are willing to live with both good and bad...that's what it takes. We all find those people whose stuff we can live with. It's the people that forget they have "stuff" or that don't want to deal with their own "stuff" that cause us pain. Hugs to you and your wonderful stuff...