Warning: Intensely personal post.
Lately things have come up that drew me into a past I'd rather leave behind. When we came to Charlotte, it was like shedding a skin, embracing a new life with new people. I felt I could become someone different here.
But the past has returned in various ways.
First, issues arose with a new friend. I thought this person liked me for who I was...all the bitchy, obnoxious parts. I discovered though that this person did not really like those parts of me...in fact, rather detested them. While I don't expect people to like all of me, I don't like all aspects of most of my friends, I do think that when we truly care about someone we embrace those parts in order to embrace the parts we do like.
This confrontation about my obnoxious, bitchy self lead to many hurt feelings from the past. I remembered too many other painful awareness of being rejected utterly for those parts of my self. I remembered trying so hard to bury them, to fit in, to be normal enough that people would want to be around me. I've spent most of my life being off cue in terms of dealing with other people. Often I just withdrew even though I desperately wanted friends because it was too hard to constantly monitoring myself. I felt like I carried around this mental notebook in which I had written directions on how to act with others. But at some point, it failed me, and I felt again like that person who was always a little off beat, a little wrong in her interactions. I tried again and again to just simply embrace myself for who I was but it is hard to embrace that person when no one else seems to want to hang on as well.
Thus when I again encountered this attitude, I felt myself shrivel up a bit. I wanted to go back into hiding. I have a safe little world with H and the beasties...with people who do embrace me utterly for who I am. Who don't mind that I'm off cue. But there was another part of me that loved having this circle of friends whom I love and care about. I waver between wondering if it's worth pulling out that notebook again...to figure how one acts normal amidst people.
And Facebook has brought the past as well. I am starting to hate Facebook. I found myself today on the verge of erasing it. Getting rid of all reminders of the past. That girl who everyone found ugly, bitchy, and unpleasant. I don't want her around anymore. I am not that girl anymore. I am more confident. I realize now that I wasn't ugly, and that the view many had of me came from my own insecurity, and from the expectations of the place in which I lived. But hearing the memories of people, or having someone say "Wow you're hot now" burns me deeply. It reopens those wounds, leaves me fresh and bleeding. I start to wonder again if anyone really finds me attractive, even here. I remember how people thought there was no way H would ever be interested in a fat, ugly girl like me. How so many people thought he would cheat on me, find someone more worthy of his good looks. I remember people doubting that anyone like H could ever want to be with someone like me. The confusion that his attention brought...and how even my closest friends felt this way.
And now I am bleeding once again. I wish the new friend could understand how his words make me feel. I wish my old friends could let go of the person they once knew, who doesn't exist anymore. I wish, often, that I could be someone different. That I could just naturally ease into those social cues that most people seem so able to embrace. And I wish that I could not return to my little fortress, that I could boldly be who I am, and work on being better with the help of my friends rather than their censure.