Friday, August 14, 2009

Inklings

Trying to put into words, or better yet, trying to provide a rational explanation for why one wants a baby when already has a few kids is nearly impossible. There is really no convincing anyone who just decides you're crazy. I'll admit to having thought those same kind of things when I've heard other people with already large families having more. And of course I feel bad now that I'm in the same position.

H and I didn't just jump into this one. In fact, this is the one that has garnered the most thought. We started talking about another one a year ago. I wanted one more, but H was unsure. Well it wasn't so much that he was unsure, it was more about timing. He kept saying well when we finish our Ph.Ds but I was unwilling to commit to having another baby in my 40s. Then time went on, things happened, and I stopped thinking so much about that other baby. I found I could hold babies, and not yearn for one. I enjoyed the new found freedom, we had as Piper got older. I liked having my boobs back. I liked being smaller. I enjoyed going out and drinking with friends. And the desire just slipped away.

And then a few weeks ago, while looking at baby pictures, H turned to me and said "Let's have another baby." My initial reaction was "Hell no!" But he planted a seeded. For the next two weeks, we debated back and forth. We both wavered from yes to no to maybe. But there was nothing rational in the debate. It wasn't as if we could draw up a list. If we did the rational choice would so clearly be no. But the thing is that having a baby is not always about rational choice, and maybe it shouldn't be in the long run. Maybe it's okay to go ahead because it feels right, and that's where H and I were.

The turning point came for me when I realized that I was hesitating because I didn't want to gain weight. I was scared of being seen as merely a mom again. I really wanted another baby. I wanted that fourth one to round out our beasties. This is my last chance, and I knew if we decided no I wouldn't even entertain the debate. And I also realized that the reasons that held me back had much to do with desire. They had to do with wanting something that was not real...that mythical childless life, or at least a life where you simply drop the children off once or twice a week so you can go out. I made a step away from that desire. A step back towards my family, the family that sustains me and makes me whole. And I knew as soon as I saw this connection that we would be having that baby.

Because really we love the beasties. We love being around them listening to their crazy ideas, their rich worlds, their keen insights into life. We love going to Barnes and Noble and hanging out together. We enjoy lazy pool days, and autumn park afternoons. We thrive in the chaos that is our home, and it seems so right to bring beastie number 4 into this world. We'll find a way to pay it forward. H wants to foster or adopt and we may do that. But we will do something that thanks the universe for the good fortune we've been shown.

7 comments:

John B-R said...

Since you see to have killed yr Thursday post, I need to post my congrats and hugs and all that once again. I want to be sure they're public.

I'm trying to see how 4 kids is a "rounding out". I guess you're picturing them playing bridge? Or doubles tennis?

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

I didn't kill it because of your response by the way:P I was just utterly pissy last night and felt like I was articulating what I'm thinking about this in a thoughtful way.

And rounding out...just to an even number. But hey bridge players:P I was thinking a band actually. You know...the Beatles, the Rolling Stones...gotta have four.

John B-R said...

Just to be annoying, there have always been more than 4 Rolling Stones ...

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

Oh shit you're right:P I've just grossly revealed my ignorance.

John B-R said...

You'll have the Stones if you are carrying twins ...

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

Dear god no twins!

The Bear Maiden said...

Oh, fucker you made me cry.

Cuz me wanting another one... jobless, single... is completely irrational. And sometimes--especially this week--I've marveled at my new freedom, my ability to down 15 shots of tequila, to come and go... and you've just reminded me why I would want another one despite the fact that most "sane" people think I'm crazy. My Sun is everything... I love his world, his thoughts, his hopes... watching him grow.

You've just opened up a whole can of worms in me again... cuz a month or so ago when I was afraid of never having kids, I managed to put it away. Till just now.

ick.

:)

Bless you Ginger... I'm so happy for you.