Being pregnant always brings me in touch with my body in what I find to be an ultimately disturbing way. I'm not one who is totally comfortable with my body to begin with, and being pregnant ups this discomfort. Perhaps some of it has to do with my multiple issues about control.
I waver between being utterly out of control of such things as eating (this is when I pretend I don't have a body to care about) and then I swing the opposite way where I obsess over every bite I put into my mouth, and work, almost frantically, to be thin. Over the last few years, I've worked on coming to sort of middle ground with this body. Thus I exercise because I've discovered I really love it (I'm not going to lie and say that I don't mind the tone body that comes with that exercise). It makes me feel good to push my body, to feel it work hard at something. And I eat healthy because I love the taste of real, whole food, and because again it feels good. I've come to the point where I do this not to control my body but because I want to listen to my body. I'm starting to get to a place where I don't feel this urge to control. Sometimes I feel like I can almost imagine that there is no separation between my mind and my body. That they are one, they are me.
But with pregnancy I always feel this distinct loss of control, and it panics me. My body does not feel like it belongs to me. There is so much that happens that I just can't do anything about. Unpleasant things like constipation. My wrist start to hurt. My TMJ kicks in. I am exhausted even more than normal but I can't sleep (yeah I always have insomnia but this is worst). I am exercising but I feel like I'm slowing down, unable to do what I did before. I feel like my food cravings are beyond my control. And right now I'm having a hard time finding a way to surrender without feeling like I'm losing something of who I think I am.
Perhaps it's all about embracing. With my other pregnancies, I either gave up and just went vacant for a few months, or I fought the changes, pretending they weren't there. But this time I want to work on embracing the changes. I've made a commitment to keep exercising, and to start doing Yoga. I'm hoping this will cointinue to bring me into a space where I feel like I know my body. I'm eating the things I crave, but also making sure I get the other good foods that I need and that taste so wonderful. I'm surrendering to those things I really can't change in my body but trying to devise ways to make them easier to deal with. I'm wondering if this time around maybe I can love my body through this pregnancy. If maybe this love, this love during a moment when I feel so chaotic, will be that moment when I can finally manage to not separate myself into those Western dichotomies.