But mostly it was the problem of me getting one thing into my head and just bulling for that thing. I am, like most parents, a master multi-tasker but sometimes my feet find a path and nothing is going to get me off it. All I want to do is work until the task is completed. This is was how I was feeling about my grad applications. I had many other things to do. I had children to feed and care for but damn it all I cared about were those stupid applications.
Life kept happening though and I felt frustrated with each minor set back. R decided she MUST NURSE.every.second.of.the.day. Piper was just super needy and wanted lots of extra attention. We had a pumpkin farm visit we had promised the kids. There were meals, dirty dishes, and dirty clothes all needing care. In my head, I gnashed my teeth and thought terrible thoughts.
And then I got knocked right off the damn path. I discovered that my GRE scores were not valid. I missed the cut of date for time by about five months. I am going to have to retake them and soon. I had not budgeted out the money for this or the time. In addition, the thesis title on my transcripts is wrong. It's the title of another person's thesis. I ranted and raged. I sobbed until I was hysterical. H calmed me down but I was so devastated.
I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but it was just this one more thing that made everything feel so over-whelming. It's all part of me being tired. Tired of fighting for every damn thing I have in terms of the academy. I spent four years fighting to prove I could do the work. And now I'm fighting to convince a PhD program that I'm awesome and they should take me. And just when I'm feeling like I might be able to pull this off, I am knocked down. Again.
But today some friends kicked my ass, and promised to kick some ass for me. And just now I took some time from doing all the stuff for my classes (cause yeah I'm teaching two classes with all this going on and by tomorrow at midnight will have 60 papers waiting to be graded), to read to Umberto. Because if I'm going to keep knocked down, I might as well take the time to lay down sometimes. Take the time to be with my beasties.
If I hadn't gone to the pumpkin farm, hadn't paused for that moment, I would have missed this:
She's got it! She felt confident enough to give the horse a pat. Now I'm hoping we can scrape up the money for her to ride. You could see her visibly calm down as she sat there being lead around. The horse is a good thing for Camille. She told me: "Up on the horse...I felt wild like the horse." Total connection.
And how could this not make anyone stop for a second and just breath. Oh baby!
I have to remember that what kept me sane through my MA was H and these beasties. It was having to be human to feed them. Having to stop to read a beautiful picture book. Time to watch them grow into themselves.