I had to delete my whiny post from yesterday so now I'm behind again. Today won't be the day I catch up. Right now I am in dire need of sleep. I need the sleep to heal and to gather the strength to gain some perspective.
Where I am now is that my GRE grades are really pretty dismal. They are not high enough to get me into most of the place I have either applied too or am applying too. What is even more difficult is that I still have two applications to send out, and as of last night I was thinking about just not sending them. I keep thinking it's a waste of money. But then there is still this tiny part of me that is hoping that somehow my GRE scores will be overlooked in favor of other more positive material. I guess it comes down to : betting on the dream or using the money for things we need. Decisions, decisions.
And I'm also wondering when I should start to really think about a back up plan. All this makes me feel very sad, like I'm in mourning. I am a little wrecked when I think I am not likely to get accepted.
Running through this all is this amazingly crippling self-doubt. Shouldn't a smart person be able to do well on this test? And if I'm not smart enough to do a Ph.D. then what makes me think I'm smart enough to do midwifery? I sometimes am not sure what I'm good for in the end.