I realized that I sounded way more nasty and bitter than I wanted to let on in my last post. I really am not as depressed as the post made it sound. Yes I am a little bitter, and of course I'm disappointed even though there are multiple reasons why not going to graduate would be good. What is hard for me is that academia is something that I love doing. I am a stronger believer in doing what you love in life. We have a long life full of work and I don't want to spend my life hating what I do.
Now I have to figure out what else I love to do. Midwifery is an option but again, there is the problem with money. I love teaching but not high school, and I'm not sure if I want to make a life out of adjunct pay. I'm extremely excited to know that for at least a semester I will not be working outside of the home, and that is a bit embarrassing for me. I know I may have to turn in my feminist badge but I really do like being home with the kids, homeschooling, etc. I am not sure if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. It may be and I'm trying to make myself open to that possibility. I also love to write and am thinking perhaps I should try doing that a bit more seriously. So many choices! And it's both frightening and wonderful to imagine.
I also should add that I really don't feel less for not getting the PH.D. I know I am a good candidate. I work hard and I am good at what I study. I am also likely to finish which is a big deal. Their loss. As my friend Mary reminded me, I have already had great success in life with my family. I could never feel like a failure when I look at the beasties. They are the best thing I have ever had done.
Nor do I resent H. Please don't doubt that I am so proud of him and thrilled that he got into college. He is a deserving candidate and he will rock the Ph.D. I also know that he will support me no matter what direction I am lead. And I know that he will always respect my choices.
But it does hurt and I am disappointed. However, it's going to be okay. Not getting my Ph.D is not the end of existence. I am not crushed or defeated. How could I be any of these things when I have the beasties and H? My bitter post was really supposed to be about the struggle to let go of negativity, to stop wishing ill on people who don't really deserve it. I suspect I just came across as shallow, petty and depressed. And honestly my feelings were pretty shallow and petty. But I am moving on and letting go.