My imagined alter ego, Domestic Ginger, is exiting almost purely in the imagination. At times she makes an appearance and sweeps through our apartment with super like powers but mostly I just stomp her down. Today for instance. I got up with great intentions but I foolishly got on the computer, got wrapped up in some issue and before I knew it it was late. I did make my grocery list and responded to some students but really I did nothing. Now R is asleep on my lap and I need to shower and get to the store before five. And as usual I sit here feeling guilty, lazy, and unmotivated.
Why oh why Ginger can you just not be productive? There are so many excuses. R hasn't really slept in three days so I'm tired. I'm emotionally upset about a few things and just want to sort of stew in my misery over them. I feel done with the old house and want to move onto the new. I feel like then I can start a whole new life in which I will be super motivated and June Cleaver like.
Over the weekend I did an experiment where I didn't get on the computer until the evening. It was kind of awesome how much I got done. But it also sucked because cleaning all day is not my idea of a good time. But I kept thinking that if I could just motivate myself to do this each day it wouldn't take all day because things wouldn't reach critical mass of nastiness.
But I stopped doing it Monday. In my own defense I did need to be on the computer in order to get some work done. And of course once I got on, I had to partake of my crack book addiction. And now it's Wednesday and my house is trashed again.
This is the story of my life in some many ways, and I can't help but wonder if this laziness is the reason why I didn't get accepted to a Ph.D program. And it sort of haunts me each time I look at the papers scattered over the floor, or the books that R just pulled off the shelf. Perhaps if I wasn't such a lazy scholar I would be happily looking forward to a starting a program. If I had studied to the GREs, actually applied myself I might have scored higher. If I had just put more work into my SOP. If I read more. If I hadn't procrastinated on my papers. In other words, if I could just focus on things and dedicated myself to them would I not just be better? Because somewhere I do believe that so much of the crap, failure in my life is due to me and my inability to focus on things.