When H first broached the subject of another baby, I was like "No way." I had lost all the previous baby weight, and was frankly enjoying not having someone constantly at the breast. I was enjoying have a bit more freedom in terms of my own body. And while I was just as moved by H by the deliciousness of baby beastie pictures, my ovaries were not crying out. But H kept at me, and the idea was planted. And I woke up one morning and realized that the only thing holding me back was weight. A week later, I was pregnant with Baby Beastie.
That pregnancy flew by (until the very end where it was more like "GET OUT NOW!) in a hazy bliss. This was what I had always imagined pregnancy would be like for me. I felt goddess like, beautiful and tuned into the growth inside me. Each day was just this wash of pure joy. Perhaps it was because I had almost lost all of this due to my own insecurities. The amazement that this family, this love, these moments were still mine was intoxicating. Each second of each day was like a small gift. Even the hard moments of frustration and impatience were moments to be held close because they had almost not been.
Her birth was nearly perfect. The slow build up to that earth shattering moment when you catch a glimpse of that veil which separates us from creation. And oh the look on H's face when R came to us in this world. I knew without a doubt that all was forgiven. We belonged to each other, to this family, and now we had a physical presence to remind us of that bond every time we looked at her lovely self.
And now a year later, R has become a person. She has grown into her soul.mischievous, energetic, chatty and bright, with her eyes always sparkling. The sweet promise of the future lies on her breath as she snuggles, in sleep, against me. I try to slow down time as I hold her pressed against my body. This year was so fast. I wanted it to end so that we could begin our next adventure. I hate H's job and I know it's hard for him as well. He longs to be freer and to do the work his mind is suited towards. But I also wanted to slow down and savor R's moments, her first moments in life on Earth. The dilemma of moving forward and living in the present was always upon me. And now we are here, a year later filled with tears and joy. There are no regrets...only more joy.