Last night I had a mini-anxiety attack. As I finished up the summer class syllabus, I realized that this was the last syllabus I would need to write for who knows how long. And I freaked out a bit. The last time I didn't work was when Umberto was a new baby and it sort of sucked. We were really poor. I've worked most of my life. Made my own money or contributed to our household income even if in a smallish way. At one point, I was the primary earner. It's a little scary to be heading to a new place in my life. I am not good about losing control, and not earning money makes me feel very out of control.
I started to run through all the things I could do if I can't find a teaching job. I started to search midwife programs again. I started to think about nursing. I wondered if I could hack teaching again. None of these things felt very good or right. A couple of them sent me into a sort of sad space because I knew I would be miserable if I did them. H reassured me that it was going to be okay and I was able to sleep. But the worry was there waiting for me when I woke up. Worry is funny this way.
After doing some chores, and eating breakfast I exercised to a podcast from "A Nun's Life." What's funny is that it was not the podcast I thought I wanted to listen to. I realized just now as I searched for a link that I was listening to an entirely different session then I had thought. Which makes what happened even cooler. I'm half listening because, well, I'm exercising and it's been awhile and when I finally tune in, the sisters are talking about they have no regrets about the lives they have chosen. This was their vocation. They were called to this life and there was no room for regrets.
And as I walked in place with ole Leslie, I started to realize that I had no regrets about this life I now lead. There are many things I regret about my life but never have I ever wished that I was not married to H or that I had no children. It has not always been easy, and there are times when I want to scream in frustration. There are times when I'm so bored I feel like poking my eyes with my knitting needles. But never have I wished my children away. This is my vocation in the religious sense of the world. While this may not be the path I had envisioned for myself it is the path that has come to me.
Things are going to be okay I realized. I am where I need to be.