Last night, I took some time to do the rosary. I find that this act of praying through the beads is meditative in way that most meditations have not worked for me. I am able by the fourth or fifth Hail Mary to just enter into a space where I am not filled with hectic thoughts. Last night, I came to this moment filled with a bit of sadness and some disappointment. I was praying for grace last night. Grace for myself and for my feelings towards others. By the time I hit that fourth Hail Mary I was feeling calmer and in that space I remembered something H had said to me on Thanksgiving day "Be happy for what you have right now."
At the time, of course, I took his words like a sulky child. Unwilling to be comforted, I did not take to heart what he was telling me. I wanted something for the future and was feeling angry that I had to wait. But last night, I looked over at my sleeping baby. Her arm curled over her head. Her lips pursed into a little pout. The curls that frame her round face. I was slayed once again with the immense love I felt towards her. And then I was there in the moment.
I don't have to live with this constant leaning into the future. Right now in this moment I have what I need. I can focus on what is before me without letting go of what I dream. But I can't let those dreams consume so much of me that I forget what is right here. Right now.