Friday, May 17, 2013

Marking Time

Wednesday we went for a walk on the UGA campus, and visited a favorite haunt...a lovely little "pond" filled with turtles. As we looked at the turtles, and laughed at every one's attempts to catch them, I kept holding Jude close. I felt tears pricking at the edge of my eyes, and I didn't know why. I wasn't sad. Catching turtles is not an emotionally charged event for me. But for some reason there was this big well of emotion deep inside my gut. I found myself looking away, wiping tears, because I wasn't sure I could explain to everyone why I was crying.

Once we got home, I found some pictures from last year....

And I realized we had been there before when I was newly pregnant with Jude. Before we knew anything about the extra stuff. I was about to go see the Fetal Medicine Doctor. About to get the call that would change my life. I remember I was feeling incredibly conflicted about the pregnancy. I was excited but scared. Worried but overjoyed. I wasn't sure if it was the right decision even though it was something I wanted. I was worried about my motivations. 

When we found out about Jude, I went through a lot of guilt. I had asked to much of the universe and was now being punished. This is what happened when you pushed your luck with getting pregnant at my age. I had too many kids and look what happened. I hated these feelings, and tried to convince myself that Jude was a gift. But I don't think I really believed it until I held her and fell in love. Now I can't imagine our family without her, and I am still dazed with how crazy in love I am. Jude is the completion, our full circle.

Perhaps because of this Athens has become impregnated with meaning. Each place we went to when I was pregnant is now full of the secret of Jude.

Camille then....

And now...
Piper last year...


Piper now...











Umberto on the cusp to teen
And now a teen with a little love to follow him
R was still a baby....
And now is starting to become a girl...



Me...conflicted....
just living in the love that is Jude


Horacio with one baby...

Now with one more baby
And now there is Jude...the completion and somehow our center.
Perhaps time is not linear but like worlds within worlds. Marking the passage of time is perhaps a way to remind us to look for the markers we left on the trees.


1 comment:

Diane Hill said...

Beautiful family and beautifully written. It's amazing how much I realize now that Camden completes this family just as Jude does yours.